Nothing is happening...

I intended to start temping again a few weeks ago.

That hasnt happened.

I determined that my sleep is too messed up to get an accurate reading. I am not sure if it's my hormones trying to balance out again, the drug making it's way out of my system, or what, but I have been awfully hot at night lately. And I still cant sleep. I'm good up until about 3 am. Then, I wake up almost every hour. After 5 am, I'm just essentially waiting for my alarm clock to go off at 5:45, and trying hard to squeeze any amount of sleeping in before it does.

You need at least 3 hours of solid sleep to get a good basal reading. So, unless I want to start temping myself at 3 am, trying to do it as soon as my alarm clock goes off seems to be pointless.

That's out the window. For now.

Now I'm just waiting. I've had a few days where I've felt cramps and thought I could start my period any day.

Then this week, all of the girls at work were all on theirs at the same time! I was hoping and hoping that my body would catch on as well. Still nothing.

I havent had any symptoms that would lead me to believe that I've ovulated yet, either.

So here I am. Waiting. For something. Anything!

I find myself in a season of waiting on the Lord.  And a LOT of trusting in His future for me. I have been able to cling to the hope of his future. And joyfully wait on it. Yes, joyfully. Because, friends, anything God has planned for us, is infinitely better than anything we can imagine. And if I think my plans are good, well then... God's are absolutely something amazing. That brings about an overwhelming feeling of hope in me. And all I can do is smile, and be encouraged.

Even though I often wonder, "How long O God?"  I am joyfully anticipating His plans. :)

Early Plan of Attack

In just over a week, I will be taking my basal temp every morning when I wake up. Again. I'm not sure what I will see right away, as I'm not sure if I will ovulate before I have my first period or not. I don't expect to see any regularity for at least 2-3 months.

Also, I'm not looking forward to having to buy feminine products again. Oh the joys. I have not had a period since October. 105 days, to be exact. That has been wonderful!

Anyway, I've had my eyes on a menstrual cup. I used to use a Diva Cup once upon a time, and I really liked it most of the time. It couldn't handle my insane "bleed till you're almost dead" days, but for the rest, it did well. And I really liked that it didn't cause any extra waste in the trash, I wasn't putting bleached and treated cotton up the girly bits. It didn't dry me out or cause any irritation. And they aren't more messy or gross than tampons.  So, I'm thinking about trying out a FemmyCycle. They make a model for ladies with low cervix, which I totally have, yay me. I'm betting it'll be more comfortable and work better for me than the Diva Cup did.

Then, I'll need to stock up on pregnancy tests. I think I should get myself mentally prepared for a good few months where I wont get a positive test, or maybe I never will, but I wont worry about that just yet. Then again, maybe I'll get pregnant right away!

It's just... been awhile since I've had to actually deal with the hope and possibility, and then deal with the heartbreak of a failed attempt. I don't know how long I should actually give myself. 6 months? If we don't conceive in 6 months, will we still try? Or will we give up for good? This is it, friends. If this doesn't work, we aren't going any further. We wont try any other treatments, or drugs. I'm not going to put myself through crazy fertility diets, or creams or hormone therapies.

The other day, we ate dinner at a friend's house. They've got a 5 month old baby girl, who is absolutely adorable. She was in a great mood, and let me play with and hold her for a good while. I got smiles and sighs and "hi's" and singing. Baby snuggles and drool and kisses. She looked at me, and I looked at her, and it was good.

The entire next day, I was on the verge of tears, wanting a baby so bad. I want this! I wanted to text Matt and just tell him how excited I was that maybe this laparoscopy and Lupron stuff and everything the past 6 months actually worked, and maybe we'll get pregnant and have a baby.

I'm so excited and nervous I could burst!

Symptom Follow-up

I called my doctor on Monday and they scheduled me to see him this afternoon.

I told him about my heart palpitations and rash. He didn't seem to have much to say about it. He was concerned, of course, but I dont think that those are side effects that he's seen much of in his experience with this drug, if at all. He wasn't too sure if they were from the Lupron or not. We did discuss how the Generess Fe and Add-Back pill both have norethindrone in them, but had I been allergic to that ingredient, my rash would be on-going and a lot worse, considering it's a much higher dose in the add back pill than in the Generess Fe.

He told me that women typically have one or two really hard months during their treatments. I told him that this one so far has been the hardest. I told him about how I've been hurting, grouchy, not sleeping.

But the good things have been the  no pain during sex, and no pain during bowel movements. If you remember, the endometriosis had adhered my colon to my uterus, so no pain in that case is pretty darn amazing.

With those two good things, he decided that I've had enough. That round 6 was not necessary.

So now what?

I cancelled my next injection appointment. I will keep taking the remainder of my add-back, and start taking prenatal vitamins again. The Lupron will work itself out in two weeks (or a month from my last injection, rather) and I should resume my cycle as normal.

He also said that we could start trying to get pregnant right away. I may wait another 2 weeks, just because knowing this drug is still in my system at least that long, and then possibly getting pregnant while on it makes me nervous. He told me that there have been no issues with women who have gotten pregnant while on Lupron. But I'd rather not risk it.

I will admit, I am anxious. I am relieved that we are done with Lupron. But I am nervous about what is going to happen next.

Did it work?

What will my periods be like?

Will I get pregnant?

It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at once! Aaaaahhh!!

I'm so glad I'm done.

I'm done!!!

Yay! I'll get to sleep again! My mood will improve! Hopefully I will recover from whatever damage it may have done to my bone density, and my joints will recover and feel better.

I look forward to feeling better.

I hope it worked.

Hormone Hell

I'm having a rough day.

Nothing in particular is making it bad. I'm just in a bad mood.

I've been in a bad mood for weeks. (Months?)

I'm irritable, and grumpy. I havent been sleeping well. I cant sleep through the night ever these days, and these headaches! I wake up, work, and go to bed with a headache.

Everything annoys me. Even just my thoughts annoy me. I find myself fighting with the "What Ifs" and things that happened in the past, or havent happened at all and I upset myself.

I look around the house an notice socks on the floor, or general lack of picking up after one's self and I find it extremely irritating. Like everyone's inconveniencing me on purpose.

I find myself generally annoyed with my husband and daughter, for no good reason.

I look at myself in the mirror and notice how dumpy I seem to look. My body isnt in shape. I've steadily gained about 8 pounds since starting Lupron. That may not seem like a lot, but I dont want to go buy new pants because I'm taking a stupid drug. And am supposed to be done with it soon.

I get home from work, eat lunch, clean house etc... I have great ideas to do some yoga, or some sort of exercise, but then sit around feeling like a slug. Sometimes, the yoga wins. A lot of the time, it doesnt. I feel disappointed in myself.

All of these things contribute to my unhappiness. I just cant seem to get ahead of it. If ever I've been "depressed," it's been the last couple of months, and I KNOW that it's just the Lupron. I know that this isnt who I really am, and I know that I'm almost done with it. I know, in my heart, that this has been for a good reason. But I still hate my body for this. I hate my brokenness..

I hate feeling this way. I hate it for my family. It's not their fault I'm having a string of bad days. And I'm short with them, and frustrated and it's dumb. I hate it.

:(