OPK "Fun"

A few weeks ago, I had a visit with my doctor. There were no exams or any of that stuff. Just a simple sit-down and follow-up. I told him when I thought I had ovulated last, and that I had started my period (on Easter weekend.. lovely). That although it was a lot more manageable pain-wise, I still had that awful bleed-to-death first and second day, that kept me running to the bathroom every half hour, using Ultras, no less. I had hoped that that part of it would have changed. I think I'd take pain over a super heavy flow any day. But, he is prescribing me Lysteda again, for the flow. It doesn't interfere with hormones at all. It will be nice to have on hand.

We talked about expectations, and I asked him a few things about my body. So he went over his notes from my laparoscopy and said he believed I should be able to ovulate fine; that my fallopian tubes looked unobstructed, despite them being adhered slightly to my uterus. He told me that he didn't want to put me on any fertility drugs, as most of them bump up estrogen, which is the exact hormone that feeds endometriosis. He didn't want to take the chance of making that worse. He pretty much told me to try to conceive naturally for three months and then we could decide further steps. He instructed me to get an ovulation predictor kit. And then... he prayed for me. It blew me away, and I cant even tell you how good it made me feel.

I bought myself an OPK, and on day 12, I started testing. I tested for 6 days, without any test looking like the pictures in the instructions were supposed to look like.

Let me tell you something: EFF ALL OF THE PINK LINES!

I. Hate. It. Pink lines, you suck.

Using an OPK is almost as bad as, if not worse than taking a pregnancy test. They are very hard to read! You're supposed to get two lines, the reference line always shows up, the test line gets darker. If the two lines are the same pigment, or the test line is darker, then ovulation should occur 24 to 36hrs after your LH surge. How does that sound, for a good time?

I did see where my test line got darker for two days, but it was never dark enough to be a certain positive. Then it started fading away again.

And THEN I read that testing twice a day was better. In a kit, they tell you to test once a day, the same time, every day until you get a positive. Well, if your LH surge happens somewhere between those 24 hours, you can miss it! That would have been nice to know, beforehand!

I started testing on day 12, which was a Wednesday. My boobs started getting sore, and I started cramping that day, and it got progressively worse until Friday (which was one of the darker lines) where my sex drive felt sky high. So uh, heh... Ya know... Then on Saturday, my test line was the same as Friday. After that, it started fading away. I suspect that my LH surge was somewhere between testing Friday and Saturday. Next month, I'm going to buy cheap tests and use them twice a day. That is, if we didn't manage to get pregnant by chance this month!

It's so hard to take this one day at a time. I have to tell you, that whole week I was using the OPK, I was a wreck. It really does a number on your emotions. My brain was constantly going through what-ifs. I wasn't being nice to myself, and was hating my brokenness.  I'm always in between a state of being hopeful, and wanting to give up.

Now, I'm thinking I may take a pregnancy test next Sunday. That would be about three or four days before I start my period.

I don't really know how to feel about it.

One day at a time.

Rejoice

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice."

This was my daily scripture on the morning I woke up ready to take a pregnancy test, this Tuesday.
It had been 11 days since the last possible date of ovulation, and I went out on Monday night and bought an early response test.

So, my alarm clock goes off and I look on my phone for a few minutes to wake up.

"Rejoice in the Lord always..."

I cried. I knew in my heart that I was going to take that test, and it would be negative.

So I go and take the test, and try not to watch the progress filling up the window, for 3 whole minutes. 3 very long minutes.

I was right.

I hate that stupid pink line.

Then I text my BFF a sad face, and proceed to break down in gut wrenching heart ache.

"...again I say, rejoice."

Of course the last thing I can think of, is rejoicing. Tuesday was a hard day. Work went by, I cried on my way home, sobbed through my lunch. And sat there on the couch, numb... and waiting for my husband to come home, just so I could cry on his shoulder.

I know God is good, and he has something good for me in all of this. That is the truth that I am clinging to.

Last night I started spotting. Today I'm bleeding lightly. As long as I can get through Easter service in the morning, I dont care what happens after.

In the morning, I will celebrate my risen Lord. Even though the sadness will be in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I will celebrate the Man who died for me, who beat death, and rose again. The one who knows my pain, my heart, and is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation.

And I will rejoice.