Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Oh, that deep-down, soul shattering anguish. Where your very atoms are crying out. Every fiber of your being reaches out to something bigger than itself, seeking, yearning, craving.

That's how I felt for a few days early this week.

On Sunday, I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test yet, and I was in a state of panic. I was on the verge of tears from the moment I woke up. I tried not to cry in church. I cried in the car going home from church. I tried not to think about taking a test. But it was in every corner of my mind, the entire day.

I was scared. What-ifs bombarded me. Oh, those what-ifs. They're terrible. They steal all joy, hope, and expectation.

Flash back a bit to earlier this month. I'd taken clomid on days 3 through 7. Thankfully, the only side effects from that was just a constant headache. Not anything too bad, but it was there. Then I went on day 12 to have a transvaginal ultrasound, to see my ovaries response to the medicine. After waiting forever, they finally told me that my response was "adequate."  Also, the clomid made me ovulate on time, at day 14 or 15, instead of day 16 or later. I was getting positive OPKs for three days!

Then, I started taking the progesterone. This is required for sustainable viability of a pregnancy. And it. Is. HORRIBLE!!! Talk about mood swings. Flashes of violent thoughts out of nowhere. I even yelled at a friend to "shut up" at dinner one night (he had it coming) and contemplated gouging his eyes out with the crayons one of the kiddos was coloring with... uh... yikes? I freaking hate progesterone!!!

So. Back to this week. Monday, I took a pregnancy test. It showed as negative. I looked and looked at that stupid stick, hoping to see a faint second line. A shadow. Anything. Then I screamed "I hate you!" at it (in my head, it was 6am and everyone else was still sleeping) and threw the dumb stick on the floor. And cried into my sink, and tried to apply eyeliner and mascara between sobs.

Went to work and cried some more.

Went to the bathroom at work, and had a little teeny smear of blood show up. Implantation bleeding?! My mind raced. My bff and I scrutinized and picked over every single detail regarding implantation. We obsessed over it all day, to the point where we decided we were insane and had a pretty good chuckle at ourselves.  But still... what if I'd implanted late? Maybe Tuesday I'd get a positive. I was due for a blood test also, maybe the hormones weren't high enough to show up Monday.

Tuesday morning. Also negative. But I was okay with it. Slowly, I was feeling peace. My mind had gotten over it's initial fit, and I was becoming okay with the idea that maybe my answer to prayer is No.

I was okay with that. And I also felt like I was done. But that's not really fair. I feel too selfish just quitting after one try on meds. It's so hard!! The emotions are hard! Feeling like a failure again and again, hating your body because it's broken, and that transitions into other body issues, where you hate even your appearance....

I told Matt that if I wasn't pregnant by Thanksgiving, I wanted to be finished. I want to get whatever done to take care of the girl stuff downstairs, to quit having periods, and just be finished. He agreed that that was a fair goal.

This morning, I received the absolute negative result from the doctor. I am okay. I'm at peace.

We'll be trying a higher dose of clomid this time. I just hope to God they leave the progesterone where it is. :)

all the drugs

If you saw the amount of pills that I gulped down around 7am this morning, you would have gagged. Ok, it was only 3 different things... 2 Lysteda, 4 ibuprofens and 1 clomid. Then at lunch, I took 2 more Lysteda and one prednisone. One prednisone that is so tiny, in fact, that it got stuck to my tongue, and stayed there til I gulped another glass of water after running to the fridge, tripping on the dog, and dropping the f-bomb.

Believe it or not, despite my cursing right after church, is that I haven't had any ill side effects from the clomid. Yet. Just a little headache, which may or may not be part of menstrual cycle issues and being a tad dehydrated.

I'm only on day two. Three more to go!

Thursday was day one of this cycle. I went in, got blood drawn, just so they could tell me I was negative for pregnancy. No kidding? I'm bleeding over here. I think I've got that figured out. I'd also taken an at home last Sunday. No big surprise there. Blah blah, they have to have a blood test to make sure I'm not... lying? Standard procedure before they put me on fertility drugs. I know. ;)

Day 2. Start prednisone. It's a very low dose. No big deal

Day 3. Start clomid. Take until day 7.

Day 12. Get ultrasound to make sure my egg follicles are developing properly. I'm trying for a bigger, better, stronger egg. No twinning!!! My BFF still wants me to have twin girls. *Sigh*  I love that girl.

Ovulation day and until new cycle starts. Take progesterone to thicken lining of uterus. I know it makes a comfy spot for an egg to stay, but I get worried about a heavier period.. and hopefully my worries are silly.

My nurse lady also mentioned IUI. That sounds fun. An IUI is where they separate the best, healthiest sperms out of all the rest of the gunk, making a super concentrated dose, and then artificially inseminate me with it. So the husband and I would both have to be there, and it sounds expensive, but I guess you can do it at home also? My doctor hadn't mentioned trying that, but she's talking to him and I should know this week if he really wants me to do it.

Not really sure how I'm feeling about all of this at the moment other than we're giving it 3 months. So, in 3 months, I'll either be pregnant, or we'll be done trying. That makes me feel less stressed out, at the moment anyway. The end of this season is in sight.