I feel like it's been awhile, friends. I may need to pause and re-read what my last entry was about....
Ah, yes. I was waiting.
Well, waiting can be a funny thing, as it never really seems to go away, does it? You're always waiting. Just what you're waiting for, changes.
These last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster. My body has slowing been dumping the rest of the hormones, and I've had some pretty awful mood swings.
Such as: Matt and I almost never fight. Whatever he does to upset me, is usually me upsetting myself over silly things. But, when we do fight, it always leaves me alone somewhere, bawling, and wondering if it's over. That's super scary, and is really hard on a girl's nerves!! This last time, he came back home after being gone for about 15 minutes, and said "I just drove around the block, I had nowhere else to go." And started talking to me as if nothing had happened. Which made me cry even harder. He asked me what it was that I wanted. Out of life, marriage, all of it. Was I done? he asked me. Was I afraid of our church having recently closed it's doors, and that we wouldnt find a new home? Was I afraid of baby stuff?
I noticed then, with myself, that when I am on the verge of something changing inside of me, a heart change, that the fiber of my being will fight it until I'm raw and all I can do are hear the whispers of the Liar. And I break. It wrecks me, down to my soul to the point of where I want to give up everything.
I heard "He doesnt appreciate you. He doesnt care, he doesnt love you. You work, you come home to work some more. He takes advantage of it. You are alone."
So I asked for a little bit of help. And a friend mentioned that reading "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller. I borrowed the book from another friend. And I read this:
"...Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to 'run on'.... If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility."
And this;
"But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation that we could ever imagine. It means we dont need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we dont mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward."
And
"...if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anything he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm."
Convicted.
So that's something I have to work on, and probably apologize to my husband for.
There's a little glimpse of the deeper me. :)
On with the baby stuff!
On Sunday, I woke up with nowhere to go. Okay, not really nowhere, but we had decided to take the weekend off before attending new churches. It was weird, and sort of sad, and sort of exciting. Newness abounds before me. :)
Anyway, that night I went to take a shower and noticed that my nipples were sore. A sure and true sign of ovulation for me. I got excited, and told my BFF. But I also wasnt so sure if I was. So I waited until the next day to see if I was still sore.
Yep.
Then I went and blabbed it to some friends. I think I'm ovulating!! Wooohoo!!
Other things include a bit of cramping and, well, my sex drive is back.
The things is, though... I've been sore all week. Which isnt usually the case. About 3 days or so is normal for me (was normal?) and I'm still sore. Like, it hurts to put on a bra and I have to stand with my back to the water in the shower. Haha.
Well if this keeps up for another week, I'm taking a pregnancy test. Otherwise, I've at least got a timeline to work with! In about 2 weeks (well, closer to 10 days now) I should start my period. The last few days of March and first week of April should be the time.
All I can think is man, maybe I'm making up for the last 7 months. What if I have multiple eggs in there?! Aaaah! My BFF is fervently praying that I have twin girls. Har har, you! ;) I think I could do twins.
Bring It On!
I'm excited, scared, anxious. More waiting. More leaning on the Lord.
