emotion

Just one more blue pill. And then it's time to ride the roller coaster of emotions.

I've been keeping track of my basal body temp for the last 5 days. I take it around 5 am every morning, since that's when I usually get up for work. I hope that I'm getting okay readings. I tend to toss and turn a few hours before my alarm goes off, and 5 am stinks when I have the day off. At least I get to go back to sleep on those days.

I'm feeling a little baby-crazy lately. So many friends are pregnant, or have new babies. A ton of the ladies at church seem to have just had babies, or are due soon. My sister in law has a 7 month old that I get to babysit on occasion. He's so adorable, and I love him. It makes me excited and anxious about getting pregnant myself. But I have a tendency to let my feelings rule over me, and when I'm disappointed, my world takes a dive and my emotions crash and burn.

I am so happy and mostly excited for the ladies I know that have babies, or are expecting. But I have to confess that I'm also jealous, hurt, and sad. Then I feel guilty for those feelings. Those feelings keep me from sharing joy with friends. Keep me from asking how their pregnancies are, or new babies are doing. They keep me from enjoying baby showers and holding newborns. When I do force myself to participate in those things, I feel like a huge fake.

So many of my years have been spent, month after month, hoping to God that I'd finally be pregnant, only to wake up to cramps and well, you know. And not only that, but having periods so intense and painful, so absolutely heavy some days I thought I'd die of blood loss... didn't seem very fair to me. Not only was I not getting pregnant, but I also had to endure days of extreme discomfort and disgusting symptoms, to the point of staying home and missing out on friends or work. I felt like I was being punished for something, but I know that is a lie.

There were ladies in the Bible, who prayed to God and he heard them. He healed them of their barrenness. What about me, God? Am I wanting this for the wrong reasons? Am I not trusting You enough? Why am I broken...  Open my eyes and heal my heart.

The Beginning

Infertility. It's such a... bad word. One with no hope in it for most of those who hear it. It literally makes me feel empty. Kinda broken. And the brokenness isnt just bodily, but spiritually and mentally as well.

Infertility is something I have dealt with for a long time, but something my husband and I just recently decided to confront. Why did we wait so long? Mostly because we hated to face the fact that one of us was broken. And that's scary. Also, it can take a lot of money depending on how serious you want to get. I suppose we're going to finally have options to be serious.

I have suffered from horrible periods for a very long time. Last year, after repeating myself to my then girly doctor, I switched over to one who would listen to me describe my symptoms. It is believed that I may have endometriosis. I got some ultrasounds done, and a biopsy, both seemed pretty inconclusive. He said the only way to be sure, was to perform a laparoscopy. I was scheduled last July to get one, but found out 2 days beforehand, that my insurance wouldnt cover the procedure and could cost us up to $25,000. Really... am I buying them a new laser or something? Needless to say, we cancelled. It was a very hard day.

My doctor had given us some pamphlets on endometriosis and infertility, and we decided I'd go ahead and start the pill, because it can shrink endometriosis and you dont bleed as much, and your periods are much shorter. All of the things I hadnt experienced in a very long time. Talk about night and day. My next period lasted 3 days, and I barely bled at all. I was amazed. I felt great. I thought about never stopping taking the pill.

But I really want another child.

I have an almost 15 year old daughter. From a previous marriage. Matt loves her very much. I want him to experience for himself what it's like, though. To watch his wife get fat and round. To see a baby peanut on an ultrasound monitor. To feel the baby moving. The exhilaration of labor, and the beautiful birth. And hold his very own baby in his arms, and know that we made that little person together.

So, here I am. Getting serious about trying. Hard. And needing to share my experience with whoever. I know there are lots of women out there doing the same thing. We need each other. Even if we are hiding behind the internet. Blog therapy.

I've got another week left in my pill pack. Then I'll get my period out of the way, and it's on!

I bought myself a basal thermometer, and will start monitoring my temp every morning, starting tomorrow. I even found a nifty cycle tracker app for my phone. Thank God for technology.

There it is. I think trying ourselves for 6 months or so. If no results that way, maybe think about other steps.

I asked Matt how crazy he wanted to get with trying. He said, "I could get pretty crazy."