Another one bites the dust

Yep, you guessed it. Not pregnant again.

I was due for my period on my birthday. Well, my birthday came and my temp hadn't dropped, and nothing else was happening, either. I hadn't even noticed any PMS symptoms (Matt said he hadn't noticed any either) and wasn't cramping or anything. So I took a pregnancy test, on my birthday. To quote Matt: "If you're pregnant, I don't have to get you a birthday present because I already GAVE it to you." Oh, my. I love that man.

Unfortunately, the test was negative. We both pouted a little bit about it, but that was about all. It didnt even really bother me that much until I was talking about it with my hair lady and told her I wasnt going to let it break me. I don't know if she noticed that it was a little hard for me to say, and maybe she noticed a little chin quiver... But. I didn't let it break me. Not this time.

Then I woke up the next day, and my temperature had tanked on me. Started my period that afternoon. Guess the temp thing is pretty reliable after all.

Good news this cycle: my ovulation symptoms and temperature line up. Yay. My luteal phase is long enough, also yay. I was worried that maybe I wasn't dropping an egg at all, but looking at anovulatory bbt charts online and comparing them make me pretty sure that I am indeed ovulating fine. Those charts are a mess. Poor ladies... :(

Good news #2: my new insurance covers almost all of my Lysteda cost, from $65 down to $15. Woohoo!

Good news #3: I got the okay from my boss to take a week off for laparoscopy surgery, should that be the route we go next. If I'm ovulating fine, and Matt's boys are working just fine, then we need to see why these eggs of mine arent implanting.

Time to make an appointment. I need my yearly anyway, and then I can talk to my doctor about options, and show him my chart! :)

So, not so upset this month. It still sucks, but I am hopeful!

Hoping

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~Rom 12:12

Keep on praying.

In the middle of my sorrows, I have forgotten to pray. I let my relationship with God slip away from me. I have been so me-centered that I have forgotten the One who is supposed to BE THE CENTER.

God has blessed me with an amazing network of ladies in my church. I have been able to share this struggle with them, and it has really helped me. I am so grateful. 

I've also been reminded that I cannot compare my own problems with the fortunes of others. We are all blessed differently. God's purposes are perfect, even when we do not understand what He's doing, or why.

And He knows my heartbreak. He knows how I feel. I cannot hide anything from him. Even if I keep my sorrows out of my prayers, I cant hide my heart. He's here with me, and He made me just the way I'm supposed to be. "I'm broken, yet perfectly sewn." The thought brings tears to my eyes. But, I think not in a sad way. In a hopeful way. "For I know the plans I have for you," He says.

I dont know if that means another baby. But I can hope it does.



This is this where I am on my chart this week. Looks like I ovulated on the 15th day (April 8th). I had my normal ovulation symptoms also, so that's good. Matt and I made sure to give it a good shot, hahaha. *blush* And now my temperature is on the rise. I read somewhere that women often see an "implantation" drop in temp about a week after ovulation, but it doesnt always indicate pregnancy. So, I'm not going to read too much into anything I may see in the next few days. My luteal phase will probably be more normal than last month, and then maybe we can see if it's too short... They've got meds to help with that, if that is my problem. Could be that I have ovulation symptoms, but am not actually dropping an egg. I think they have drugs for that, too.

So right now, I'm waiting again. We'll see what happens.

Here's to hoping.

Mid-cycle and someone's expecting.

I'm here on day 11 of my second recorded cycle. I can already tell the difference in my chart; this month so far my temperature has only varied by 10ths of a degree, instead of the crazy up and downs I got last month. Better sleep schedule, more relaxed at work, and the hormones seem to have leveled out.

The ovulation drop should be easier to recognize this month. I will hopefully see that in the next few days.

In other life news: my youngest sister says she's pregnant again. My facebook newsfeed has blown up with comments on ultrasound pictures (which dont show anything, she's only a couple weeks along...) and pictures of my niece, Ada, about how excited they are that Ada's going to be a big sister. Ada is about 6 months old, and my sister and her fiance live with my parents. /facepalm

And finding out about it a week after my own "failure" just puts a knife in my heart and I dont feel like I can even be happy for her at the moment. I've had to hide all of the pictures and comments on facebook, because it honestly makes me feel sick. I feel like that's not fair to her, but I'm not going to share my feelings with her either. Just gonna keep it here and to myself. Stupid.

It's very hard to see all of the "I'm pregnant this" and "I'm pregnant that" stuff I see so often. I'm not pregnant. Should I run rampant with those posts on facebook? Lay it all out there for everyone... How could I share it and not make other people feel awful?

But right now with all of her posts... I'd love to just say "Katie, you live with your parents, your baby is only 6 months old, you've barely got a job and you're PREGNANT?! What is wrong with you?!!"

What a horrible way to feel.

I should be glad that she's going to have herself a nice little family. Maybe even a big one.

It's just days like this where I suddenly feel very old, and that I should just give up.