An ending is really just another beginning.

I'm writing this without an official response to my blood test today...

But I'm pretty sure when she calls tomorrow, she will tell me it was negative.

I've been taking tests since Tuesday, and they've all been negative.

I have been praying with all of my heart, as much as I know how, trusting that the Holy Spirit would intervene for me, and groan for me, and cry for me, and let God know my anguish, my desires, my dreams, and my hopes. But above all, I've been begging for his help. To trust in him. With my whole entire being. I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that his plans are good, and will exceed my every expectation. I know he keeps  his promises, and that he is faithful. I know that he is never ending, all-knowing, and that he is constant, and forever beside me.

I have been praying that God would prepare my heart for any outcome. And I really think he has.

Am I disappointed to find out that my answer to this prayer is "No?"  Sure. I think that's fair, and expected. But I dont even find myself angry about it. I dont find myself blaming God for it. He's given me peace with the answer.

Once upon a time, I believed the lie... that I had done something horrible in my past, that I wasnt forgiven fully in Christ, and that God was punishing me. Friends, God does not punish those who are hidden in Jesus. He loves us. And everything he does is good for us, whether we understand that or not.

I dont know why I wasnt able to give my husband the precious gift of fatherhood. I couldnt give him that blood line. He has been such a blessing to me, and my daughter, who isnt even his own. But he's loved her all the same. He's been a good dad to her. A supporter, a nurturer, a provider. He's given her much more than her own father could.

I dont know why my body doesnt work the way it did 17 years ago, when I was able to get pregnant with Jade. I wish I had the answers. But sometimes, we dont get the answers to those questions. Those very hard questions. I just want to know. Why?!  And it all comes down to God asking, "Do you trust me?"

"yes, Lord. I want to. I think I do."  That's all I can give right at this moment, but I think it's enough.

And now what?

I am sad, yes. But I am also relieved. I'm happy that the struggle is over. I'm happy that I dont have to take drugs anymore! Haha. I'm happy that I wont have the "fail" hanging over me every time I start my period. I'm happy that I wont have to drag my husband to the bedroom and tell him it's "Time to try to make a baby, just one more night, honey."  Sex wont be a job anymore.

I will be able to move on. I will be able to focus on God, on my family, my husband, my daughter, my job, and not have to worry about anything else!

I am free. I am mostly free from the inwardness of it all. Losing my church right at the moment I was really getting into the thick of it made me turn into myself. I have been so self centered lately. So selfish. My prayer life, my faith, my husband, all have suffered my looking inward.

I am free to feel joy again. The cloud will be lifted.

I am free to be the Sarah that God has intended. I am sure, that this trial was important. That it brought me to a trust in God that I was lacking. A peace, and understanding. A hope. I needed this. And maybe so did someone else.

I am free to be a comfort to someone else now! To encourage. to support. To hold and hug and pray for people. And really mean it!

My BFF has been this for me. I am truly grateful for her. She's been there, every step. Every detail, down to the science of organs and fallopian tubes and cycle days. She probably knows my body as well as I do by now. She's cried for me, prayed for me, hoped and supported me. She's listened to me, helped me to understand myself, helped me to process the emotions. She's poured truth into me. All the while, she's struggled with her own trust issues, and I only hope I've been able to pour truth into her as well, during our struggles over the last 6 months.

And so I find myself at the end of a season. And the beginning of a new one. God's mercies are new every day. Isnt that amazing?!!  I hope that I can wait, in joyful anticipation of whatever God has for me next.

Because whatever he's got, friends, it's good.

Love,
Sarah

Clomid, take two.

Hey, hey! It's ovulation week, already!

Last week, I took my 100mg clomid daily, Monday through Friday. This week, I've actually felt like a real human being, with normal emotions and what not. I felt good. Happy. Me.

The doubled clomid bummed me out. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. Didnt wanna cook dinner, didnt wanna do anything. I slugged it up on the couch all week. Felt depressed. I think I drank quite a bit over the weekend. But, what the hell.

Then on Tuesday, I had my second ultrasound. Thanks to the holiday weekend, my doctor was actually able to do the ultrasound himself, instead of the stone-cold tech I had last month. Hehe. I was able to see on the screen and he showed me everything, and I got results right away. I was also able to tell him how I'd been feeling on all of the meds, and what my feelings were about trying again if round two doesnt take.

He told me next time that he'd put me on a different medicine. Not clomid, but something else that isnt so harsh. I told him that the progesterone makes me an angry person. He laughed and said I wasnt alone. Unfortunately, my levels werent high enough when they blood tested me for my pregnancy test last month, so he doubled the dose. Aaaah!!!! He also prescribed me some Xanax, to help "take the edge off." So we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, back to the ultrasound. It was so nice to just be able to talk to him, he answered all of my questions and I felt very reassured about things. Excited, even.

As I'm looking up at the screen, he measures out an egg follicle. Apparently, my body responded very well (vigorously, as he put it!!) to the clomid, and my follicles were nice and big. They aim for about a 10, and mine were measuring at 14! He said, "You're going to feel ovulation this time, for sure." I usually do anyway.

One more thing he mentioned. "If you dont want to chance having triplets, you might want to skip this month."  What?! I have one follicle on the left, and two follicles on the right. Yikes. Hopefully at least one of them will take!

So I've been ov testing the last couple of days, and only have one thing planned for the weekend... wink, wink. I've had to take some ibuprofen to help with the ovulation pains, it's pretty bad this time. And I get to start my double dose of progesterone tonight. It makes me cringe thinking about it. I hope the xanax helps. I already took one of those... ;)

The last month, I've just been trying to put my trust in God. Like, really trusting him. I'm trying. My faith isnt perfect, but he carries me. He's got me. Not the drugs, not the doctor, not my husband. God. Some days, it's difficult to find that peace there. Knowing that he already knows the outcome, how I feel, when I'm sad, or angry or disappointed, none of those things surprise him. My reactions and emotions have already been mapped out. And he loves me.