An ending is really just another beginning.

I'm writing this without an official response to my blood test today...

But I'm pretty sure when she calls tomorrow, she will tell me it was negative.

I've been taking tests since Tuesday, and they've all been negative.

I have been praying with all of my heart, as much as I know how, trusting that the Holy Spirit would intervene for me, and groan for me, and cry for me, and let God know my anguish, my desires, my dreams, and my hopes. But above all, I've been begging for his help. To trust in him. With my whole entire being. I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that his plans are good, and will exceed my every expectation. I know he keeps  his promises, and that he is faithful. I know that he is never ending, all-knowing, and that he is constant, and forever beside me.

I have been praying that God would prepare my heart for any outcome. And I really think he has.

Am I disappointed to find out that my answer to this prayer is "No?"  Sure. I think that's fair, and expected. But I dont even find myself angry about it. I dont find myself blaming God for it. He's given me peace with the answer.

Once upon a time, I believed the lie... that I had done something horrible in my past, that I wasnt forgiven fully in Christ, and that God was punishing me. Friends, God does not punish those who are hidden in Jesus. He loves us. And everything he does is good for us, whether we understand that or not.

I dont know why I wasnt able to give my husband the precious gift of fatherhood. I couldnt give him that blood line. He has been such a blessing to me, and my daughter, who isnt even his own. But he's loved her all the same. He's been a good dad to her. A supporter, a nurturer, a provider. He's given her much more than her own father could.

I dont know why my body doesnt work the way it did 17 years ago, when I was able to get pregnant with Jade. I wish I had the answers. But sometimes, we dont get the answers to those questions. Those very hard questions. I just want to know. Why?!  And it all comes down to God asking, "Do you trust me?"

"yes, Lord. I want to. I think I do."  That's all I can give right at this moment, but I think it's enough.

And now what?

I am sad, yes. But I am also relieved. I'm happy that the struggle is over. I'm happy that I dont have to take drugs anymore! Haha. I'm happy that I wont have the "fail" hanging over me every time I start my period. I'm happy that I wont have to drag my husband to the bedroom and tell him it's "Time to try to make a baby, just one more night, honey."  Sex wont be a job anymore.

I will be able to move on. I will be able to focus on God, on my family, my husband, my daughter, my job, and not have to worry about anything else!

I am free. I am mostly free from the inwardness of it all. Losing my church right at the moment I was really getting into the thick of it made me turn into myself. I have been so self centered lately. So selfish. My prayer life, my faith, my husband, all have suffered my looking inward.

I am free to feel joy again. The cloud will be lifted.

I am free to be the Sarah that God has intended. I am sure, that this trial was important. That it brought me to a trust in God that I was lacking. A peace, and understanding. A hope. I needed this. And maybe so did someone else.

I am free to be a comfort to someone else now! To encourage. to support. To hold and hug and pray for people. And really mean it!

My BFF has been this for me. I am truly grateful for her. She's been there, every step. Every detail, down to the science of organs and fallopian tubes and cycle days. She probably knows my body as well as I do by now. She's cried for me, prayed for me, hoped and supported me. She's listened to me, helped me to understand myself, helped me to process the emotions. She's poured truth into me. All the while, she's struggled with her own trust issues, and I only hope I've been able to pour truth into her as well, during our struggles over the last 6 months.

And so I find myself at the end of a season. And the beginning of a new one. God's mercies are new every day. Isnt that amazing?!!  I hope that I can wait, in joyful anticipation of whatever God has for me next.

Because whatever he's got, friends, it's good.

Love,
Sarah