emotion

Just one more blue pill. And then it's time to ride the roller coaster of emotions.

I've been keeping track of my basal body temp for the last 5 days. I take it around 5 am every morning, since that's when I usually get up for work. I hope that I'm getting okay readings. I tend to toss and turn a few hours before my alarm goes off, and 5 am stinks when I have the day off. At least I get to go back to sleep on those days.

I'm feeling a little baby-crazy lately. So many friends are pregnant, or have new babies. A ton of the ladies at church seem to have just had babies, or are due soon. My sister in law has a 7 month old that I get to babysit on occasion. He's so adorable, and I love him. It makes me excited and anxious about getting pregnant myself. But I have a tendency to let my feelings rule over me, and when I'm disappointed, my world takes a dive and my emotions crash and burn.

I am so happy and mostly excited for the ladies I know that have babies, or are expecting. But I have to confess that I'm also jealous, hurt, and sad. Then I feel guilty for those feelings. Those feelings keep me from sharing joy with friends. Keep me from asking how their pregnancies are, or new babies are doing. They keep me from enjoying baby showers and holding newborns. When I do force myself to participate in those things, I feel like a huge fake.

So many of my years have been spent, month after month, hoping to God that I'd finally be pregnant, only to wake up to cramps and well, you know. And not only that, but having periods so intense and painful, so absolutely heavy some days I thought I'd die of blood loss... didn't seem very fair to me. Not only was I not getting pregnant, but I also had to endure days of extreme discomfort and disgusting symptoms, to the point of staying home and missing out on friends or work. I felt like I was being punished for something, but I know that is a lie.

There were ladies in the Bible, who prayed to God and he heard them. He healed them of their barrenness. What about me, God? Am I wanting this for the wrong reasons? Am I not trusting You enough? Why am I broken...  Open my eyes and heal my heart.