One more to go!

Yesterday I got shot number 5!! That means next month is the last one!

Hopefully...

So, my holiday season was wonderful.  Both November and December shots happened right before their respective holidays. And I didn't have any adverse symptoms whatsoever. Thank the Lord! At least, nothing I couldn't keep under control.

I still do get to be short, or impatient. Times when I can feel my blood pressure rise, and want to stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.

Also, my sex drive is basically zero. We are still intimate, but it's not as fun! Hahaha. I'm ready for the days when I want to be with my husband again.

Anyway. Shot number 6. Is it the last?

I have my 6th shot scheduled for the Monday after Valentine's (haha, oh good!).. Then two weeks after that, I'll go in for a consultation about the next steps.

Options: Stop Lupron and have a couple of cycles to gauge my pain, and flow and all the lovely things that come with a cycle. Am I more normal? Is the pain and flow better? Will probably need at least 2 or 3 cycles to figure it out. And maybe get pregnant?!!  If I can manage having "normal" periods, then I can be off the drug and try to get pregnant.

This is as long as stopping the Lupron doesn't make me lose progress in the fight against my endometriosis. But, the only way to tell if it's worked, is to figure out how things feel. Pain during sex? Not any more. That's the only thing I know for sure right now. I think that's a good sign.

If I cycle a few months and my periods are still horrendous, I may go back on the Lupron and do another 6 months. That would make me finished with the six around November or December. And then try to get pregnant again.

If my doctor STRONGLY suggests that I stay on the Lupron without cycling at all, then I will be done with another 6 months in August. Then try to get pregnant.

I may have finally come to grips with the fact that maybe having another child just isn't in God's plan for me. It's very very hard sometimes. And then I also wonder if the Lupron has killed the emotions that make me happy, because I find myself hoping less, and feeling very indifferent towards almost everything. I feel pretty sad and lonely a lot of the time, but I'm not sure if it's just from the Lupron, or a number of other things. My marriage isn't absolutely spectacular, but who's really is?! ;)

I guess what I'm also trying to say is that I'm done with the "What about me's."
What about me? What ABOUT me?! Did God put me on this earth for me? Or Him? You know what the "what about me's" do? They steal your joy. You can no longer be happy for others, when you say "what about me." It takes your eyes off the prize, friends! God's plan for us is perfect and for his glory. Not ours.

One thing that resonated with me over this weekend is that Jesus is what is supposed to be the most lovely, glorious and valued in our life. And he goes through our hurts and joys and every day with us. Is not having a baby going to make Jesus less lovely, less glorious and less valuable to me?

It shouldn't.

Is MY PLAN to have another child (and it not being God's plan) more lovely, more glorious and more valuable to me than what God has for me?! Am I in love with my plans more than I am in love with God?

That's only going to lead to heartbreak and disappointment. And I want to be done with those things.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures
forevermore."