All is not lost

I believe in my last post, I was telling you all of the doubts I had about wanting a baby. Some days, those feelings are still there.

Here is what has happened over the last month or so.

I was scheduled for my normal yearly exam at the end of August. I went in, reviewed all of my symptoms, and was advised that we go ahead with the laparoscopy to see exactly what we were dealing with. It was really my only chance at having a solid diagnosis. My exam was on August 26th. They scheduled my surgery the week after that. I was expecting a long wait, but that was not the case. In fact, if I hadn't taken any ibuprofen the week of my exam, they would have gotten me in the same week! Anyhow, I freaked out a bit because it was sooner than I was expecting, but I was also glad. And I have to mention here how amazing my job is. They got me covered for the whole week after, so I could recover, and I never felt guilt tripped or like I was being a burden on them. I love SMB.

So Friday, September 5th, I went in for surgery. We were there for 10 hours. Apparently someone before me was having complications, and it pushed my procedure back about 5 hours.

Anyway, I get out and finally coherent, and Matt tells me the diagnosis. Severe endometriosis. They couldnt get it all without my undergoing major surgery, with about a week or so in the hospital.

All I heard was, "Severe" and "couldnt get it all."  My hope tanked. I went through a few days of a kind of depression. I was so heartbroken. My heart was broken, my body was broken. I felt like I was in the dark, and just wallowed in it. Bursting into tears with no warning. I hated my body. I had an expensive procedure done, and STILL HAD NO HOPE of it doing enough to help me conceive.

My follow-up appointment was 10 days after surgery. The doctor showed me pictures and explained exactly what was going on inside me. My case of endometriosis went so long with out any sort of treatment, that it had basically glued some of my organs together. My colon is stuck to my uterus, along with both ovaries. It causes very painful symptoms, and the only way to "unstick" them, would be to do a major surgery, and probably remove part of my colon. I suppose if I ever have to get a hysterectomy, they will probably have to do that then.

I asked him what endometriosis was, and how it's caused. It's basically like a cancer. They dont understand what causes it, but it acts the same way. It builds up on your organs, and sets up it's own blood supply, and feeds itself while it spreads over reproductive and surrounding organs. It can cause organs to adhere to each other. Which is what happened to me.

I broke down in the stupid office. Still feelings of hopelessness.

Then he mentioned Lupron Depot. This shot shuts down a woman's hormones, basically putting her into a menopausal state. What happens then, is your body stops producing the hormones that feed endometriosis, and the endometriosis starves. The treatment lasts 6 months, with at least half of the treatment period-free! This shot also causes some lovely side effects: vaginal dryness, mood swings, depression, hot flashes, no sex drive, and bone loss. Dont those sound great?! Well you can look forward to that too, when you're about 50 years old.

Matt and I decided that this would be my best chance. Trials show that women who did the shot after laparoscopy went (endometriosis) symptom free for more than 5 years. And! I could get pregnant after 6 months of treatment. Seems to us to be a win. Or, at least some sort of good news.

So that's where I am. I have been really nervous about the symptoms of the Lupron shot, but I'm sucking it up, and had gone to get my first dose today. I also get to take a pill that helps counter all of the side effects. Of course, everyone's bodies are different, so I didnt get a very good explaination of how mine will react. So it's a wait-and-see. And it sort of scares me.

The only only thing that has ever kept me out of the dark completely in this so far, is knowing that God has made me this way, set this path before me, and will get me through it. With an amazing husband, with really good friends, a great church, and a lovely work place, He has given me so much, and He will see me through this.