Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Oh, that deep-down, soul shattering anguish. Where your very atoms are crying out. Every fiber of your being reaches out to something bigger than itself, seeking, yearning, craving.

That's how I felt for a few days early this week.

On Sunday, I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test yet, and I was in a state of panic. I was on the verge of tears from the moment I woke up. I tried not to cry in church. I cried in the car going home from church. I tried not to think about taking a test. But it was in every corner of my mind, the entire day.

I was scared. What-ifs bombarded me. Oh, those what-ifs. They're terrible. They steal all joy, hope, and expectation.

Flash back a bit to earlier this month. I'd taken clomid on days 3 through 7. Thankfully, the only side effects from that was just a constant headache. Not anything too bad, but it was there. Then I went on day 12 to have a transvaginal ultrasound, to see my ovaries response to the medicine. After waiting forever, they finally told me that my response was "adequate."  Also, the clomid made me ovulate on time, at day 14 or 15, instead of day 16 or later. I was getting positive OPKs for three days!

Then, I started taking the progesterone. This is required for sustainable viability of a pregnancy. And it. Is. HORRIBLE!!! Talk about mood swings. Flashes of violent thoughts out of nowhere. I even yelled at a friend to "shut up" at dinner one night (he had it coming) and contemplated gouging his eyes out with the crayons one of the kiddos was coloring with... uh... yikes? I freaking hate progesterone!!!

So. Back to this week. Monday, I took a pregnancy test. It showed as negative. I looked and looked at that stupid stick, hoping to see a faint second line. A shadow. Anything. Then I screamed "I hate you!" at it (in my head, it was 6am and everyone else was still sleeping) and threw the dumb stick on the floor. And cried into my sink, and tried to apply eyeliner and mascara between sobs.

Went to work and cried some more.

Went to the bathroom at work, and had a little teeny smear of blood show up. Implantation bleeding?! My mind raced. My bff and I scrutinized and picked over every single detail regarding implantation. We obsessed over it all day, to the point where we decided we were insane and had a pretty good chuckle at ourselves.  But still... what if I'd implanted late? Maybe Tuesday I'd get a positive. I was due for a blood test also, maybe the hormones weren't high enough to show up Monday.

Tuesday morning. Also negative. But I was okay with it. Slowly, I was feeling peace. My mind had gotten over it's initial fit, and I was becoming okay with the idea that maybe my answer to prayer is No.

I was okay with that. And I also felt like I was done. But that's not really fair. I feel too selfish just quitting after one try on meds. It's so hard!! The emotions are hard! Feeling like a failure again and again, hating your body because it's broken, and that transitions into other body issues, where you hate even your appearance....

I told Matt that if I wasn't pregnant by Thanksgiving, I wanted to be finished. I want to get whatever done to take care of the girl stuff downstairs, to quit having periods, and just be finished. He agreed that that was a fair goal.

This morning, I received the absolute negative result from the doctor. I am okay. I'm at peace.

We'll be trying a higher dose of clomid this time. I just hope to God they leave the progesterone where it is. :)

all the drugs

If you saw the amount of pills that I gulped down around 7am this morning, you would have gagged. Ok, it was only 3 different things... 2 Lysteda, 4 ibuprofens and 1 clomid. Then at lunch, I took 2 more Lysteda and one prednisone. One prednisone that is so tiny, in fact, that it got stuck to my tongue, and stayed there til I gulped another glass of water after running to the fridge, tripping on the dog, and dropping the f-bomb.

Believe it or not, despite my cursing right after church, is that I haven't had any ill side effects from the clomid. Yet. Just a little headache, which may or may not be part of menstrual cycle issues and being a tad dehydrated.

I'm only on day two. Three more to go!

Thursday was day one of this cycle. I went in, got blood drawn, just so they could tell me I was negative for pregnancy. No kidding? I'm bleeding over here. I think I've got that figured out. I'd also taken an at home last Sunday. No big surprise there. Blah blah, they have to have a blood test to make sure I'm not... lying? Standard procedure before they put me on fertility drugs. I know. ;)

Day 2. Start prednisone. It's a very low dose. No big deal

Day 3. Start clomid. Take until day 7.

Day 12. Get ultrasound to make sure my egg follicles are developing properly. I'm trying for a bigger, better, stronger egg. No twinning!!! My BFF still wants me to have twin girls. *Sigh*  I love that girl.

Ovulation day and until new cycle starts. Take progesterone to thicken lining of uterus. I know it makes a comfy spot for an egg to stay, but I get worried about a heavier period.. and hopefully my worries are silly.

My nurse lady also mentioned IUI. That sounds fun. An IUI is where they separate the best, healthiest sperms out of all the rest of the gunk, making a super concentrated dose, and then artificially inseminate me with it. So the husband and I would both have to be there, and it sounds expensive, but I guess you can do it at home also? My doctor hadn't mentioned trying that, but she's talking to him and I should know this week if he really wants me to do it.

Not really sure how I'm feeling about all of this at the moment other than we're giving it 3 months. So, in 3 months, I'll either be pregnant, or we'll be done trying. That makes me feel less stressed out, at the moment anyway. The end of this season is in sight.

The same old song and dance.

I realize that it's been awhile since my last post. About two months, actually. I just don't feel like I've got much to say. Not much has been happening. So, this might be a short one.

Let's see. Two weeks ago, I had a doctor's appointment. We've been trying for about three months now, and nothing's happening so I asked my doctor all sorts of questions.

Should I do a blood test to see if my eggs are still good? No, it'd be a waste of money. I'm healthy and my eggs would probably be exactly what they'd expect from a healthy 35 year old woman.

Do we know for sure that I'm ovulating? My opks are on track, and so are the rest of my symptoms, so it's a good assumption that I am.

Is my body rejecting the sperm? He said probably not.

Is my body a hostile environment? Am I too inflamed from the endo? Is there something I can do to help it? Now, there's something. He actually got his laptop online and did a little research while I was there. He determined that trying out a low dose of prednisone during the first couple of weeks of each cycle may help keep the inflammation under control.

We'd also been thinking about trying Clomid. He had originally told me that clomid may speed up the endo coming back. Endometriosis comes back eventually. I asked him if it was enough that we'd blame the regrowth of my endo on the actual use of the drug, and he said no. So, we're going to try a low dose of that along with prednisone for three months.

I called this week to tell my nurse that I wanted to do it. She listed a bunch of other things we may have to do in addition to the drugs. Ugh. Blood tests and ultrasounds. to make sure the clomid is stimulating my eggs enough. My initial thought is, "I was only doing this because those two drugs are fairly cheap. I cant afford an ultrasound every month." So as soon as she calls me back next week to set things up, I'm going to ask first if the ultrasounds are going to be filed under an office visit, or what. Then maybe see if they only need to do it once.

You know, I was about ready to give up. Actually I'm really only doing the drug option because my husband said that three months wasn't long enough, and we needed to keep trying.

I don't know. This week has been very hard. I've been a complete mess. I had ovulation bleeding this month, which hasn't happened for about a year. The day I got my laparoscopy done, in fact. It's not a bad thing, just annoying. It's actually a very good sign. I should have been excited. I guess I sort of am. But I think the hormones have been a bit amped up this week. I've been really emotional and stressed out, it's a little bit ridiculous.

I think I'm giving this three more months. I have to mentally prepare myself for being on hormone drugs again. Hooray... I already feel like cussing. I've already warned my poor daughter. And I hope Matt can handle it. Or maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion like always and it wont be all that bad.

Ha.

Testing time... Again

So, not pregnant. Again.

I started my last period the day before I was going to take a pregnancy test. That made my cycle 28 days long, which is okay, I'm anywhere from 28 to 30 normally. And looking back, it seems that I probably ovulated on day 15 ish, which is right where it needs to be.

My period was... meh. More painful this time. Bleeding was as expected. I was supposed to have a prescription for Lysteda that got messed up somewhere. I'm not sure who's fault that was, but it was really inconvenient and frustrating. I had to go back to the pharmacy THREE times before they got it right, and it was 2 days too late for me to use it correctly. They gave me an "emergency" supply on Friday, so I only took a third of the dose over a day and a half. It didnt help. Let me tell you, I was not happy. Like, I'm gonna punch someone in the face. It was bad. I havent felt that upset since I was a Lupron Monster.

Now it's day 11 in my cycle. I went and got myself some cheap "Answer" brand pregnancy tests. 20 tests for $20 with an $8 online rebate (that I filled out and probably wont get for 2 months) so I dont think that's too bad. It looks like they're made for girls who test every day of the month, but I wont be doing that! Instead, I'm going with the 2 a day. One in the AM, one before bed.

I'd better not miss those damned lines this time.

Just a couple of weekends ago, I drank a few, er maybe a lot of margaritas (the day I started my period) and had a pretty intimate conversation with a good friend of mine about making babies. She said "Ditch those stupid OPKs. You know what your body feels like when you ovulate." She suggests lots and lots of sex, days 12 thru 16 or so. Hahaha. Um.. Well, I guess if I want to cover all of my bases the best I can... Ha! It just makes me giggle thinking about her telling me. The plan might be both. OPK and lots of sex. Hahah.

Lemme tell you. You think "Oh, lots of sex, how bad can that be?" or "At least it's fun to try!" Think about taking one of the things you like the most and turning it into a job. Not so fun. It's hard to say "C'mon, let's do this again." I feel bad for my poor husband, well, a little bit. Demanding that he comes in and performs. You know? Maybe I should call to him from the bedroom and meet him at the door wrapped in cellophane like Evelyn does in "Fried Green Tomatoes."  Hahahaha!!  Spice things up a bit! Oh my gosh, I'm cracking myself up. I'm sure the neighbors can hear me cackling.

And I'll leave you all with that. Thinking about what a weirdo I am. Or me in a cellophane dress. Hehehe!!

Time to pee on a stick!

OPK "Fun"

A few weeks ago, I had a visit with my doctor. There were no exams or any of that stuff. Just a simple sit-down and follow-up. I told him when I thought I had ovulated last, and that I had started my period (on Easter weekend.. lovely). That although it was a lot more manageable pain-wise, I still had that awful bleed-to-death first and second day, that kept me running to the bathroom every half hour, using Ultras, no less. I had hoped that that part of it would have changed. I think I'd take pain over a super heavy flow any day. But, he is prescribing me Lysteda again, for the flow. It doesn't interfere with hormones at all. It will be nice to have on hand.

We talked about expectations, and I asked him a few things about my body. So he went over his notes from my laparoscopy and said he believed I should be able to ovulate fine; that my fallopian tubes looked unobstructed, despite them being adhered slightly to my uterus. He told me that he didn't want to put me on any fertility drugs, as most of them bump up estrogen, which is the exact hormone that feeds endometriosis. He didn't want to take the chance of making that worse. He pretty much told me to try to conceive naturally for three months and then we could decide further steps. He instructed me to get an ovulation predictor kit. And then... he prayed for me. It blew me away, and I cant even tell you how good it made me feel.

I bought myself an OPK, and on day 12, I started testing. I tested for 6 days, without any test looking like the pictures in the instructions were supposed to look like.

Let me tell you something: EFF ALL OF THE PINK LINES!

I. Hate. It. Pink lines, you suck.

Using an OPK is almost as bad as, if not worse than taking a pregnancy test. They are very hard to read! You're supposed to get two lines, the reference line always shows up, the test line gets darker. If the two lines are the same pigment, or the test line is darker, then ovulation should occur 24 to 36hrs after your LH surge. How does that sound, for a good time?

I did see where my test line got darker for two days, but it was never dark enough to be a certain positive. Then it started fading away again.

And THEN I read that testing twice a day was better. In a kit, they tell you to test once a day, the same time, every day until you get a positive. Well, if your LH surge happens somewhere between those 24 hours, you can miss it! That would have been nice to know, beforehand!

I started testing on day 12, which was a Wednesday. My boobs started getting sore, and I started cramping that day, and it got progressively worse until Friday (which was one of the darker lines) where my sex drive felt sky high. So uh, heh... Ya know... Then on Saturday, my test line was the same as Friday. After that, it started fading away. I suspect that my LH surge was somewhere between testing Friday and Saturday. Next month, I'm going to buy cheap tests and use them twice a day. That is, if we didn't manage to get pregnant by chance this month!

It's so hard to take this one day at a time. I have to tell you, that whole week I was using the OPK, I was a wreck. It really does a number on your emotions. My brain was constantly going through what-ifs. I wasn't being nice to myself, and was hating my brokenness.  I'm always in between a state of being hopeful, and wanting to give up.

Now, I'm thinking I may take a pregnancy test next Sunday. That would be about three or four days before I start my period.

I don't really know how to feel about it.

One day at a time.

Rejoice

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice."

This was my daily scripture on the morning I woke up ready to take a pregnancy test, this Tuesday.
It had been 11 days since the last possible date of ovulation, and I went out on Monday night and bought an early response test.

So, my alarm clock goes off and I look on my phone for a few minutes to wake up.

"Rejoice in the Lord always..."

I cried. I knew in my heart that I was going to take that test, and it would be negative.

So I go and take the test, and try not to watch the progress filling up the window, for 3 whole minutes. 3 very long minutes.

I was right.

I hate that stupid pink line.

Then I text my BFF a sad face, and proceed to break down in gut wrenching heart ache.

"...again I say, rejoice."

Of course the last thing I can think of, is rejoicing. Tuesday was a hard day. Work went by, I cried on my way home, sobbed through my lunch. And sat there on the couch, numb... and waiting for my husband to come home, just so I could cry on his shoulder.

I know God is good, and he has something good for me in all of this. That is the truth that I am clinging to.

Last night I started spotting. Today I'm bleeding lightly. As long as I can get through Easter service in the morning, I dont care what happens after.

In the morning, I will celebrate my risen Lord. Even though the sadness will be in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I will celebrate the Man who died for me, who beat death, and rose again. The one who knows my pain, my heart, and is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation.

And I will rejoice.

Turn to face the strange ch ch changes.

I feel like it's been awhile, friends. I may need to pause and re-read what my last entry was about....

Ah, yes. I was waiting.

Well, waiting can be a funny thing, as it never really seems to go away, does it? You're always waiting. Just what you're waiting for, changes.

These last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster. My body has slowing been dumping the rest of the hormones, and I've had some pretty awful mood swings.

Such as: Matt and I almost never fight. Whatever he does to upset me, is usually me upsetting myself over silly things. But, when we do fight, it always leaves me alone somewhere, bawling, and wondering if it's over. That's super scary, and is really hard on a girl's nerves!! This last time, he came back home after being gone for about 15 minutes, and said "I just drove around the block, I had nowhere else to go." And started talking to me as if nothing had happened. Which made me cry even harder. He asked me what it was that I wanted. Out of life, marriage, all of it. Was I done? he asked me. Was I afraid of our church having recently closed it's doors, and that we wouldnt find a new home? Was I afraid of baby stuff?

I noticed then, with myself, that when I am on the verge of something changing inside of me, a heart change, that the fiber of my being will fight it until I'm raw and all I can do are hear the whispers of the Liar. And I break. It wrecks me, down to my soul to the point of where I want to give up everything.

I heard "He doesnt appreciate you. He doesnt care, he doesnt love you. You work, you come home to work some more. He takes advantage of it. You are alone."

So I asked for a little bit of help. And a friend mentioned that reading "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller. I borrowed the book from another friend. And I read this:

"...Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to 'run on'.... If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility."

And this;

"But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation that we could ever imagine. It means we dont need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we dont mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward."

And

"...if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anything he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm."

Convicted.

So that's something I have to work on, and probably apologize to my husband for.

There's a little glimpse of the deeper me. :)

On with the baby stuff!

On Sunday, I woke up with nowhere to go. Okay, not really nowhere, but we had decided to take the weekend off before attending new churches. It was weird, and sort of sad, and sort of exciting. Newness abounds before me. :)

Anyway, that night I went to take a shower and noticed that my nipples were sore. A sure and true sign of ovulation for me. I got excited, and told my BFF. But I also wasnt so sure if I was. So I waited until the next day to see if I was still sore.

Yep.

Then I went and blabbed it to some friends. I think I'm ovulating!! Wooohoo!!

Other things include a bit of cramping and, well, my sex drive is back.

The things is, though... I've been sore all week. Which isnt usually the case. About 3 days or so is normal for me (was normal?) and I'm still sore. Like, it hurts to put on a bra and I have to stand with my back to the water in the shower. Haha.

Well if this keeps up for another week, I'm taking a pregnancy test. Otherwise, I've at least got a timeline to work with! In about 2 weeks (well, closer to 10 days now) I should start my period. The last few days of March and first week of April should be the time.

All I can think is man, maybe I'm making up for the last 7 months. What if I have multiple eggs in there?! Aaaah! My BFF is fervently praying that I have twin girls. Har har, you! ;) I think I could do twins.

Bring It On!

I'm excited, scared, anxious. More waiting. More leaning on the Lord.