An ending is really just another beginning.

I'm writing this without an official response to my blood test today...

But I'm pretty sure when she calls tomorrow, she will tell me it was negative.

I've been taking tests since Tuesday, and they've all been negative.

I have been praying with all of my heart, as much as I know how, trusting that the Holy Spirit would intervene for me, and groan for me, and cry for me, and let God know my anguish, my desires, my dreams, and my hopes. But above all, I've been begging for his help. To trust in him. With my whole entire being. I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that his plans are good, and will exceed my every expectation. I know he keeps  his promises, and that he is faithful. I know that he is never ending, all-knowing, and that he is constant, and forever beside me.

I have been praying that God would prepare my heart for any outcome. And I really think he has.

Am I disappointed to find out that my answer to this prayer is "No?"  Sure. I think that's fair, and expected. But I dont even find myself angry about it. I dont find myself blaming God for it. He's given me peace with the answer.

Once upon a time, I believed the lie... that I had done something horrible in my past, that I wasnt forgiven fully in Christ, and that God was punishing me. Friends, God does not punish those who are hidden in Jesus. He loves us. And everything he does is good for us, whether we understand that or not.

I dont know why I wasnt able to give my husband the precious gift of fatherhood. I couldnt give him that blood line. He has been such a blessing to me, and my daughter, who isnt even his own. But he's loved her all the same. He's been a good dad to her. A supporter, a nurturer, a provider. He's given her much more than her own father could.

I dont know why my body doesnt work the way it did 17 years ago, when I was able to get pregnant with Jade. I wish I had the answers. But sometimes, we dont get the answers to those questions. Those very hard questions. I just want to know. Why?!  And it all comes down to God asking, "Do you trust me?"

"yes, Lord. I want to. I think I do."  That's all I can give right at this moment, but I think it's enough.

And now what?

I am sad, yes. But I am also relieved. I'm happy that the struggle is over. I'm happy that I dont have to take drugs anymore! Haha. I'm happy that I wont have the "fail" hanging over me every time I start my period. I'm happy that I wont have to drag my husband to the bedroom and tell him it's "Time to try to make a baby, just one more night, honey."  Sex wont be a job anymore.

I will be able to move on. I will be able to focus on God, on my family, my husband, my daughter, my job, and not have to worry about anything else!

I am free. I am mostly free from the inwardness of it all. Losing my church right at the moment I was really getting into the thick of it made me turn into myself. I have been so self centered lately. So selfish. My prayer life, my faith, my husband, all have suffered my looking inward.

I am free to feel joy again. The cloud will be lifted.

I am free to be the Sarah that God has intended. I am sure, that this trial was important. That it brought me to a trust in God that I was lacking. A peace, and understanding. A hope. I needed this. And maybe so did someone else.

I am free to be a comfort to someone else now! To encourage. to support. To hold and hug and pray for people. And really mean it!

My BFF has been this for me. I am truly grateful for her. She's been there, every step. Every detail, down to the science of organs and fallopian tubes and cycle days. She probably knows my body as well as I do by now. She's cried for me, prayed for me, hoped and supported me. She's listened to me, helped me to understand myself, helped me to process the emotions. She's poured truth into me. All the while, she's struggled with her own trust issues, and I only hope I've been able to pour truth into her as well, during our struggles over the last 6 months.

And so I find myself at the end of a season. And the beginning of a new one. God's mercies are new every day. Isnt that amazing?!!  I hope that I can wait, in joyful anticipation of whatever God has for me next.

Because whatever he's got, friends, it's good.

Love,
Sarah

Clomid, take two.

Hey, hey! It's ovulation week, already!

Last week, I took my 100mg clomid daily, Monday through Friday. This week, I've actually felt like a real human being, with normal emotions and what not. I felt good. Happy. Me.

The doubled clomid bummed me out. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. Didnt wanna cook dinner, didnt wanna do anything. I slugged it up on the couch all week. Felt depressed. I think I drank quite a bit over the weekend. But, what the hell.

Then on Tuesday, I had my second ultrasound. Thanks to the holiday weekend, my doctor was actually able to do the ultrasound himself, instead of the stone-cold tech I had last month. Hehe. I was able to see on the screen and he showed me everything, and I got results right away. I was also able to tell him how I'd been feeling on all of the meds, and what my feelings were about trying again if round two doesnt take.

He told me next time that he'd put me on a different medicine. Not clomid, but something else that isnt so harsh. I told him that the progesterone makes me an angry person. He laughed and said I wasnt alone. Unfortunately, my levels werent high enough when they blood tested me for my pregnancy test last month, so he doubled the dose. Aaaah!!!! He also prescribed me some Xanax, to help "take the edge off." So we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, back to the ultrasound. It was so nice to just be able to talk to him, he answered all of my questions and I felt very reassured about things. Excited, even.

As I'm looking up at the screen, he measures out an egg follicle. Apparently, my body responded very well (vigorously, as he put it!!) to the clomid, and my follicles were nice and big. They aim for about a 10, and mine were measuring at 14! He said, "You're going to feel ovulation this time, for sure." I usually do anyway.

One more thing he mentioned. "If you dont want to chance having triplets, you might want to skip this month."  What?! I have one follicle on the left, and two follicles on the right. Yikes. Hopefully at least one of them will take!

So I've been ov testing the last couple of days, and only have one thing planned for the weekend... wink, wink. I've had to take some ibuprofen to help with the ovulation pains, it's pretty bad this time. And I get to start my double dose of progesterone tonight. It makes me cringe thinking about it. I hope the xanax helps. I already took one of those... ;)

The last month, I've just been trying to put my trust in God. Like, really trusting him. I'm trying. My faith isnt perfect, but he carries me. He's got me. Not the drugs, not the doctor, not my husband. God. Some days, it's difficult to find that peace there. Knowing that he already knows the outcome, how I feel, when I'm sad, or angry or disappointed, none of those things surprise him. My reactions and emotions have already been mapped out. And he loves me.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Oh, that deep-down, soul shattering anguish. Where your very atoms are crying out. Every fiber of your being reaches out to something bigger than itself, seeking, yearning, craving.

That's how I felt for a few days early this week.

On Sunday, I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test yet, and I was in a state of panic. I was on the verge of tears from the moment I woke up. I tried not to cry in church. I cried in the car going home from church. I tried not to think about taking a test. But it was in every corner of my mind, the entire day.

I was scared. What-ifs bombarded me. Oh, those what-ifs. They're terrible. They steal all joy, hope, and expectation.

Flash back a bit to earlier this month. I'd taken clomid on days 3 through 7. Thankfully, the only side effects from that was just a constant headache. Not anything too bad, but it was there. Then I went on day 12 to have a transvaginal ultrasound, to see my ovaries response to the medicine. After waiting forever, they finally told me that my response was "adequate."  Also, the clomid made me ovulate on time, at day 14 or 15, instead of day 16 or later. I was getting positive OPKs for three days!

Then, I started taking the progesterone. This is required for sustainable viability of a pregnancy. And it. Is. HORRIBLE!!! Talk about mood swings. Flashes of violent thoughts out of nowhere. I even yelled at a friend to "shut up" at dinner one night (he had it coming) and contemplated gouging his eyes out with the crayons one of the kiddos was coloring with... uh... yikes? I freaking hate progesterone!!!

So. Back to this week. Monday, I took a pregnancy test. It showed as negative. I looked and looked at that stupid stick, hoping to see a faint second line. A shadow. Anything. Then I screamed "I hate you!" at it (in my head, it was 6am and everyone else was still sleeping) and threw the dumb stick on the floor. And cried into my sink, and tried to apply eyeliner and mascara between sobs.

Went to work and cried some more.

Went to the bathroom at work, and had a little teeny smear of blood show up. Implantation bleeding?! My mind raced. My bff and I scrutinized and picked over every single detail regarding implantation. We obsessed over it all day, to the point where we decided we were insane and had a pretty good chuckle at ourselves.  But still... what if I'd implanted late? Maybe Tuesday I'd get a positive. I was due for a blood test also, maybe the hormones weren't high enough to show up Monday.

Tuesday morning. Also negative. But I was okay with it. Slowly, I was feeling peace. My mind had gotten over it's initial fit, and I was becoming okay with the idea that maybe my answer to prayer is No.

I was okay with that. And I also felt like I was done. But that's not really fair. I feel too selfish just quitting after one try on meds. It's so hard!! The emotions are hard! Feeling like a failure again and again, hating your body because it's broken, and that transitions into other body issues, where you hate even your appearance....

I told Matt that if I wasn't pregnant by Thanksgiving, I wanted to be finished. I want to get whatever done to take care of the girl stuff downstairs, to quit having periods, and just be finished. He agreed that that was a fair goal.

This morning, I received the absolute negative result from the doctor. I am okay. I'm at peace.

We'll be trying a higher dose of clomid this time. I just hope to God they leave the progesterone where it is. :)

all the drugs

If you saw the amount of pills that I gulped down around 7am this morning, you would have gagged. Ok, it was only 3 different things... 2 Lysteda, 4 ibuprofens and 1 clomid. Then at lunch, I took 2 more Lysteda and one prednisone. One prednisone that is so tiny, in fact, that it got stuck to my tongue, and stayed there til I gulped another glass of water after running to the fridge, tripping on the dog, and dropping the f-bomb.

Believe it or not, despite my cursing right after church, is that I haven't had any ill side effects from the clomid. Yet. Just a little headache, which may or may not be part of menstrual cycle issues and being a tad dehydrated.

I'm only on day two. Three more to go!

Thursday was day one of this cycle. I went in, got blood drawn, just so they could tell me I was negative for pregnancy. No kidding? I'm bleeding over here. I think I've got that figured out. I'd also taken an at home last Sunday. No big surprise there. Blah blah, they have to have a blood test to make sure I'm not... lying? Standard procedure before they put me on fertility drugs. I know. ;)

Day 2. Start prednisone. It's a very low dose. No big deal

Day 3. Start clomid. Take until day 7.

Day 12. Get ultrasound to make sure my egg follicles are developing properly. I'm trying for a bigger, better, stronger egg. No twinning!!! My BFF still wants me to have twin girls. *Sigh*  I love that girl.

Ovulation day and until new cycle starts. Take progesterone to thicken lining of uterus. I know it makes a comfy spot for an egg to stay, but I get worried about a heavier period.. and hopefully my worries are silly.

My nurse lady also mentioned IUI. That sounds fun. An IUI is where they separate the best, healthiest sperms out of all the rest of the gunk, making a super concentrated dose, and then artificially inseminate me with it. So the husband and I would both have to be there, and it sounds expensive, but I guess you can do it at home also? My doctor hadn't mentioned trying that, but she's talking to him and I should know this week if he really wants me to do it.

Not really sure how I'm feeling about all of this at the moment other than we're giving it 3 months. So, in 3 months, I'll either be pregnant, or we'll be done trying. That makes me feel less stressed out, at the moment anyway. The end of this season is in sight.

The same old song and dance.

I realize that it's been awhile since my last post. About two months, actually. I just don't feel like I've got much to say. Not much has been happening. So, this might be a short one.

Let's see. Two weeks ago, I had a doctor's appointment. We've been trying for about three months now, and nothing's happening so I asked my doctor all sorts of questions.

Should I do a blood test to see if my eggs are still good? No, it'd be a waste of money. I'm healthy and my eggs would probably be exactly what they'd expect from a healthy 35 year old woman.

Do we know for sure that I'm ovulating? My opks are on track, and so are the rest of my symptoms, so it's a good assumption that I am.

Is my body rejecting the sperm? He said probably not.

Is my body a hostile environment? Am I too inflamed from the endo? Is there something I can do to help it? Now, there's something. He actually got his laptop online and did a little research while I was there. He determined that trying out a low dose of prednisone during the first couple of weeks of each cycle may help keep the inflammation under control.

We'd also been thinking about trying Clomid. He had originally told me that clomid may speed up the endo coming back. Endometriosis comes back eventually. I asked him if it was enough that we'd blame the regrowth of my endo on the actual use of the drug, and he said no. So, we're going to try a low dose of that along with prednisone for three months.

I called this week to tell my nurse that I wanted to do it. She listed a bunch of other things we may have to do in addition to the drugs. Ugh. Blood tests and ultrasounds. to make sure the clomid is stimulating my eggs enough. My initial thought is, "I was only doing this because those two drugs are fairly cheap. I cant afford an ultrasound every month." So as soon as she calls me back next week to set things up, I'm going to ask first if the ultrasounds are going to be filed under an office visit, or what. Then maybe see if they only need to do it once.

You know, I was about ready to give up. Actually I'm really only doing the drug option because my husband said that three months wasn't long enough, and we needed to keep trying.

I don't know. This week has been very hard. I've been a complete mess. I had ovulation bleeding this month, which hasn't happened for about a year. The day I got my laparoscopy done, in fact. It's not a bad thing, just annoying. It's actually a very good sign. I should have been excited. I guess I sort of am. But I think the hormones have been a bit amped up this week. I've been really emotional and stressed out, it's a little bit ridiculous.

I think I'm giving this three more months. I have to mentally prepare myself for being on hormone drugs again. Hooray... I already feel like cussing. I've already warned my poor daughter. And I hope Matt can handle it. Or maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion like always and it wont be all that bad.

Ha.

Testing time... Again

So, not pregnant. Again.

I started my last period the day before I was going to take a pregnancy test. That made my cycle 28 days long, which is okay, I'm anywhere from 28 to 30 normally. And looking back, it seems that I probably ovulated on day 15 ish, which is right where it needs to be.

My period was... meh. More painful this time. Bleeding was as expected. I was supposed to have a prescription for Lysteda that got messed up somewhere. I'm not sure who's fault that was, but it was really inconvenient and frustrating. I had to go back to the pharmacy THREE times before they got it right, and it was 2 days too late for me to use it correctly. They gave me an "emergency" supply on Friday, so I only took a third of the dose over a day and a half. It didnt help. Let me tell you, I was not happy. Like, I'm gonna punch someone in the face. It was bad. I havent felt that upset since I was a Lupron Monster.

Now it's day 11 in my cycle. I went and got myself some cheap "Answer" brand pregnancy tests. 20 tests for $20 with an $8 online rebate (that I filled out and probably wont get for 2 months) so I dont think that's too bad. It looks like they're made for girls who test every day of the month, but I wont be doing that! Instead, I'm going with the 2 a day. One in the AM, one before bed.

I'd better not miss those damned lines this time.

Just a couple of weekends ago, I drank a few, er maybe a lot of margaritas (the day I started my period) and had a pretty intimate conversation with a good friend of mine about making babies. She said "Ditch those stupid OPKs. You know what your body feels like when you ovulate." She suggests lots and lots of sex, days 12 thru 16 or so. Hahaha. Um.. Well, I guess if I want to cover all of my bases the best I can... Ha! It just makes me giggle thinking about her telling me. The plan might be both. OPK and lots of sex. Hahah.

Lemme tell you. You think "Oh, lots of sex, how bad can that be?" or "At least it's fun to try!" Think about taking one of the things you like the most and turning it into a job. Not so fun. It's hard to say "C'mon, let's do this again." I feel bad for my poor husband, well, a little bit. Demanding that he comes in and performs. You know? Maybe I should call to him from the bedroom and meet him at the door wrapped in cellophane like Evelyn does in "Fried Green Tomatoes."  Hahahaha!!  Spice things up a bit! Oh my gosh, I'm cracking myself up. I'm sure the neighbors can hear me cackling.

And I'll leave you all with that. Thinking about what a weirdo I am. Or me in a cellophane dress. Hehehe!!

Time to pee on a stick!

OPK "Fun"

A few weeks ago, I had a visit with my doctor. There were no exams or any of that stuff. Just a simple sit-down and follow-up. I told him when I thought I had ovulated last, and that I had started my period (on Easter weekend.. lovely). That although it was a lot more manageable pain-wise, I still had that awful bleed-to-death first and second day, that kept me running to the bathroom every half hour, using Ultras, no less. I had hoped that that part of it would have changed. I think I'd take pain over a super heavy flow any day. But, he is prescribing me Lysteda again, for the flow. It doesn't interfere with hormones at all. It will be nice to have on hand.

We talked about expectations, and I asked him a few things about my body. So he went over his notes from my laparoscopy and said he believed I should be able to ovulate fine; that my fallopian tubes looked unobstructed, despite them being adhered slightly to my uterus. He told me that he didn't want to put me on any fertility drugs, as most of them bump up estrogen, which is the exact hormone that feeds endometriosis. He didn't want to take the chance of making that worse. He pretty much told me to try to conceive naturally for three months and then we could decide further steps. He instructed me to get an ovulation predictor kit. And then... he prayed for me. It blew me away, and I cant even tell you how good it made me feel.

I bought myself an OPK, and on day 12, I started testing. I tested for 6 days, without any test looking like the pictures in the instructions were supposed to look like.

Let me tell you something: EFF ALL OF THE PINK LINES!

I. Hate. It. Pink lines, you suck.

Using an OPK is almost as bad as, if not worse than taking a pregnancy test. They are very hard to read! You're supposed to get two lines, the reference line always shows up, the test line gets darker. If the two lines are the same pigment, or the test line is darker, then ovulation should occur 24 to 36hrs after your LH surge. How does that sound, for a good time?

I did see where my test line got darker for two days, but it was never dark enough to be a certain positive. Then it started fading away again.

And THEN I read that testing twice a day was better. In a kit, they tell you to test once a day, the same time, every day until you get a positive. Well, if your LH surge happens somewhere between those 24 hours, you can miss it! That would have been nice to know, beforehand!

I started testing on day 12, which was a Wednesday. My boobs started getting sore, and I started cramping that day, and it got progressively worse until Friday (which was one of the darker lines) where my sex drive felt sky high. So uh, heh... Ya know... Then on Saturday, my test line was the same as Friday. After that, it started fading away. I suspect that my LH surge was somewhere between testing Friday and Saturday. Next month, I'm going to buy cheap tests and use them twice a day. That is, if we didn't manage to get pregnant by chance this month!

It's so hard to take this one day at a time. I have to tell you, that whole week I was using the OPK, I was a wreck. It really does a number on your emotions. My brain was constantly going through what-ifs. I wasn't being nice to myself, and was hating my brokenness.  I'm always in between a state of being hopeful, and wanting to give up.

Now, I'm thinking I may take a pregnancy test next Sunday. That would be about three or four days before I start my period.

I don't really know how to feel about it.

One day at a time.

Rejoice

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice."

This was my daily scripture on the morning I woke up ready to take a pregnancy test, this Tuesday.
It had been 11 days since the last possible date of ovulation, and I went out on Monday night and bought an early response test.

So, my alarm clock goes off and I look on my phone for a few minutes to wake up.

"Rejoice in the Lord always..."

I cried. I knew in my heart that I was going to take that test, and it would be negative.

So I go and take the test, and try not to watch the progress filling up the window, for 3 whole minutes. 3 very long minutes.

I was right.

I hate that stupid pink line.

Then I text my BFF a sad face, and proceed to break down in gut wrenching heart ache.

"...again I say, rejoice."

Of course the last thing I can think of, is rejoicing. Tuesday was a hard day. Work went by, I cried on my way home, sobbed through my lunch. And sat there on the couch, numb... and waiting for my husband to come home, just so I could cry on his shoulder.

I know God is good, and he has something good for me in all of this. That is the truth that I am clinging to.

Last night I started spotting. Today I'm bleeding lightly. As long as I can get through Easter service in the morning, I dont care what happens after.

In the morning, I will celebrate my risen Lord. Even though the sadness will be in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I will celebrate the Man who died for me, who beat death, and rose again. The one who knows my pain, my heart, and is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation.

And I will rejoice.

Turn to face the strange ch ch changes.

I feel like it's been awhile, friends. I may need to pause and re-read what my last entry was about....

Ah, yes. I was waiting.

Well, waiting can be a funny thing, as it never really seems to go away, does it? You're always waiting. Just what you're waiting for, changes.

These last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster. My body has slowing been dumping the rest of the hormones, and I've had some pretty awful mood swings.

Such as: Matt and I almost never fight. Whatever he does to upset me, is usually me upsetting myself over silly things. But, when we do fight, it always leaves me alone somewhere, bawling, and wondering if it's over. That's super scary, and is really hard on a girl's nerves!! This last time, he came back home after being gone for about 15 minutes, and said "I just drove around the block, I had nowhere else to go." And started talking to me as if nothing had happened. Which made me cry even harder. He asked me what it was that I wanted. Out of life, marriage, all of it. Was I done? he asked me. Was I afraid of our church having recently closed it's doors, and that we wouldnt find a new home? Was I afraid of baby stuff?

I noticed then, with myself, that when I am on the verge of something changing inside of me, a heart change, that the fiber of my being will fight it until I'm raw and all I can do are hear the whispers of the Liar. And I break. It wrecks me, down to my soul to the point of where I want to give up everything.

I heard "He doesnt appreciate you. He doesnt care, he doesnt love you. You work, you come home to work some more. He takes advantage of it. You are alone."

So I asked for a little bit of help. And a friend mentioned that reading "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller. I borrowed the book from another friend. And I read this:

"...Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to 'run on'.... If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility."

And this;

"But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation that we could ever imagine. It means we dont need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we dont mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward."

And

"...if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anything he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm."

Convicted.

So that's something I have to work on, and probably apologize to my husband for.

There's a little glimpse of the deeper me. :)

On with the baby stuff!

On Sunday, I woke up with nowhere to go. Okay, not really nowhere, but we had decided to take the weekend off before attending new churches. It was weird, and sort of sad, and sort of exciting. Newness abounds before me. :)

Anyway, that night I went to take a shower and noticed that my nipples were sore. A sure and true sign of ovulation for me. I got excited, and told my BFF. But I also wasnt so sure if I was. So I waited until the next day to see if I was still sore.

Yep.

Then I went and blabbed it to some friends. I think I'm ovulating!! Wooohoo!!

Other things include a bit of cramping and, well, my sex drive is back.

The things is, though... I've been sore all week. Which isnt usually the case. About 3 days or so is normal for me (was normal?) and I'm still sore. Like, it hurts to put on a bra and I have to stand with my back to the water in the shower. Haha.

Well if this keeps up for another week, I'm taking a pregnancy test. Otherwise, I've at least got a timeline to work with! In about 2 weeks (well, closer to 10 days now) I should start my period. The last few days of March and first week of April should be the time.

All I can think is man, maybe I'm making up for the last 7 months. What if I have multiple eggs in there?! Aaaah! My BFF is fervently praying that I have twin girls. Har har, you! ;) I think I could do twins.

Bring It On!

I'm excited, scared, anxious. More waiting. More leaning on the Lord.

Nothing is happening...

I intended to start temping again a few weeks ago.

That hasnt happened.

I determined that my sleep is too messed up to get an accurate reading. I am not sure if it's my hormones trying to balance out again, the drug making it's way out of my system, or what, but I have been awfully hot at night lately. And I still cant sleep. I'm good up until about 3 am. Then, I wake up almost every hour. After 5 am, I'm just essentially waiting for my alarm clock to go off at 5:45, and trying hard to squeeze any amount of sleeping in before it does.

You need at least 3 hours of solid sleep to get a good basal reading. So, unless I want to start temping myself at 3 am, trying to do it as soon as my alarm clock goes off seems to be pointless.

That's out the window. For now.

Now I'm just waiting. I've had a few days where I've felt cramps and thought I could start my period any day.

Then this week, all of the girls at work were all on theirs at the same time! I was hoping and hoping that my body would catch on as well. Still nothing.

I havent had any symptoms that would lead me to believe that I've ovulated yet, either.

So here I am. Waiting. For something. Anything!

I find myself in a season of waiting on the Lord.  And a LOT of trusting in His future for me. I have been able to cling to the hope of his future. And joyfully wait on it. Yes, joyfully. Because, friends, anything God has planned for us, is infinitely better than anything we can imagine. And if I think my plans are good, well then... God's are absolutely something amazing. That brings about an overwhelming feeling of hope in me. And all I can do is smile, and be encouraged.

Even though I often wonder, "How long O God?"  I am joyfully anticipating His plans. :)

Early Plan of Attack

In just over a week, I will be taking my basal temp every morning when I wake up. Again. I'm not sure what I will see right away, as I'm not sure if I will ovulate before I have my first period or not. I don't expect to see any regularity for at least 2-3 months.

Also, I'm not looking forward to having to buy feminine products again. Oh the joys. I have not had a period since October. 105 days, to be exact. That has been wonderful!

Anyway, I've had my eyes on a menstrual cup. I used to use a Diva Cup once upon a time, and I really liked it most of the time. It couldn't handle my insane "bleed till you're almost dead" days, but for the rest, it did well. And I really liked that it didn't cause any extra waste in the trash, I wasn't putting bleached and treated cotton up the girly bits. It didn't dry me out or cause any irritation. And they aren't more messy or gross than tampons.  So, I'm thinking about trying out a FemmyCycle. They make a model for ladies with low cervix, which I totally have, yay me. I'm betting it'll be more comfortable and work better for me than the Diva Cup did.

Then, I'll need to stock up on pregnancy tests. I think I should get myself mentally prepared for a good few months where I wont get a positive test, or maybe I never will, but I wont worry about that just yet. Then again, maybe I'll get pregnant right away!

It's just... been awhile since I've had to actually deal with the hope and possibility, and then deal with the heartbreak of a failed attempt. I don't know how long I should actually give myself. 6 months? If we don't conceive in 6 months, will we still try? Or will we give up for good? This is it, friends. If this doesn't work, we aren't going any further. We wont try any other treatments, or drugs. I'm not going to put myself through crazy fertility diets, or creams or hormone therapies.

The other day, we ate dinner at a friend's house. They've got a 5 month old baby girl, who is absolutely adorable. She was in a great mood, and let me play with and hold her for a good while. I got smiles and sighs and "hi's" and singing. Baby snuggles and drool and kisses. She looked at me, and I looked at her, and it was good.

The entire next day, I was on the verge of tears, wanting a baby so bad. I want this! I wanted to text Matt and just tell him how excited I was that maybe this laparoscopy and Lupron stuff and everything the past 6 months actually worked, and maybe we'll get pregnant and have a baby.

I'm so excited and nervous I could burst!

Symptom Follow-up

I called my doctor on Monday and they scheduled me to see him this afternoon.

I told him about my heart palpitations and rash. He didn't seem to have much to say about it. He was concerned, of course, but I dont think that those are side effects that he's seen much of in his experience with this drug, if at all. He wasn't too sure if they were from the Lupron or not. We did discuss how the Generess Fe and Add-Back pill both have norethindrone in them, but had I been allergic to that ingredient, my rash would be on-going and a lot worse, considering it's a much higher dose in the add back pill than in the Generess Fe.

He told me that women typically have one or two really hard months during their treatments. I told him that this one so far has been the hardest. I told him about how I've been hurting, grouchy, not sleeping.

But the good things have been the  no pain during sex, and no pain during bowel movements. If you remember, the endometriosis had adhered my colon to my uterus, so no pain in that case is pretty darn amazing.

With those two good things, he decided that I've had enough. That round 6 was not necessary.

So now what?

I cancelled my next injection appointment. I will keep taking the remainder of my add-back, and start taking prenatal vitamins again. The Lupron will work itself out in two weeks (or a month from my last injection, rather) and I should resume my cycle as normal.

He also said that we could start trying to get pregnant right away. I may wait another 2 weeks, just because knowing this drug is still in my system at least that long, and then possibly getting pregnant while on it makes me nervous. He told me that there have been no issues with women who have gotten pregnant while on Lupron. But I'd rather not risk it.

I will admit, I am anxious. I am relieved that we are done with Lupron. But I am nervous about what is going to happen next.

Did it work?

What will my periods be like?

Will I get pregnant?

It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at once! Aaaaahhh!!

I'm so glad I'm done.

I'm done!!!

Yay! I'll get to sleep again! My mood will improve! Hopefully I will recover from whatever damage it may have done to my bone density, and my joints will recover and feel better.

I look forward to feeling better.

I hope it worked.

Hormone Hell

I'm having a rough day.

Nothing in particular is making it bad. I'm just in a bad mood.

I've been in a bad mood for weeks. (Months?)

I'm irritable, and grumpy. I havent been sleeping well. I cant sleep through the night ever these days, and these headaches! I wake up, work, and go to bed with a headache.

Everything annoys me. Even just my thoughts annoy me. I find myself fighting with the "What Ifs" and things that happened in the past, or havent happened at all and I upset myself.

I look around the house an notice socks on the floor, or general lack of picking up after one's self and I find it extremely irritating. Like everyone's inconveniencing me on purpose.

I find myself generally annoyed with my husband and daughter, for no good reason.

I look at myself in the mirror and notice how dumpy I seem to look. My body isnt in shape. I've steadily gained about 8 pounds since starting Lupron. That may not seem like a lot, but I dont want to go buy new pants because I'm taking a stupid drug. And am supposed to be done with it soon.

I get home from work, eat lunch, clean house etc... I have great ideas to do some yoga, or some sort of exercise, but then sit around feeling like a slug. Sometimes, the yoga wins. A lot of the time, it doesnt. I feel disappointed in myself.

All of these things contribute to my unhappiness. I just cant seem to get ahead of it. If ever I've been "depressed," it's been the last couple of months, and I KNOW that it's just the Lupron. I know that this isnt who I really am, and I know that I'm almost done with it. I know, in my heart, that this has been for a good reason. But I still hate my body for this. I hate my brokenness..

I hate feeling this way. I hate it for my family. It's not their fault I'm having a string of bad days. And I'm short with them, and frustrated and it's dumb. I hate it.

:(

Not Fun.

I'm barely two weeks into my 5th month, and I have to say: It has been hard!

The Thursday after my shot, I woke up with heart palpitations. I think that's what it was. I could feel my heart beating irregularly in the pulse in my wrists. My chest was absolutely pounding. The muscles were spasming. I felt panicky, which lead me to feel light headed and exhausted, like I'd been running forever. Nothing brought relief. Laying down was even worse. It was all I could think about. Deep breathing, relaxing, anything else I knew to do, didnt work. Not even taking medicines (I had some leftover meds from my laparoscopy) thinking that maybe it would help with inflammation.

Nothing worked. It lasted for 2 days straight.

Now, I know you're probably wondering why I didnt go to the E.R. or whatever. This isnt the first time this has happened to me. The first time was a long time ago. I was probably 24ish. I went to the ER, and they did chest x-rays and EKGs and they all came back normal. They told me I was having panic attacks. They prescribed Vicodin and an antihistamine.  Also, I felt totally normal except for the pounding in my chest. Nothing hurt, there wasnt any tightness, or shortness of breath. I just decided to wait it out. I've also got a friend who had something similar happen to her after taking a certain birth control pill, which we both ended up being allergic to. I assumed that this was brought on by the sudden surge of hormones from the latest Lupron shot.

Another annoying symptom this time has been the headaches, for days. It's almost been constant for the 12 days since the shot. And I've felt irritable and unable to concentrate. And! I am feeling my bones. I feel old. My elbows and wrists the most.

And the last, most recent symptom: one of these two drugs has made me break out in a rash on my chest. It is super itchy, and nothing is helping relieve it. I've used tea tree oil, lavender, purification, olive leaf, nothing. No soap, coconut oil, almond oil. I'm having flashbacks to that above mentioned allergic reaction to the birth control I took over a year ago. I am paranoid about feeling like this is spreading to my neck, behind my ears... That rash I had last year was Everywhere. It was absolutely miserable.

Matt's mad at me for not having called the doctor yet. I will on Monday. At the very least, they'll let me stop taking the add-back pill for awhile to see if that helps. I cant do anything but let the Lupron itself run it's course, and if he thinks that it's bad enough, I may  not have to do the 6th shot.

This has furthered our decision to stop the treatment after the 6th month.

I keep thinking I can stick it out for one more month. I'm ready to be done.

One more to go!

Yesterday I got shot number 5!! That means next month is the last one!

Hopefully...

So, my holiday season was wonderful.  Both November and December shots happened right before their respective holidays. And I didn't have any adverse symptoms whatsoever. Thank the Lord! At least, nothing I couldn't keep under control.

I still do get to be short, or impatient. Times when I can feel my blood pressure rise, and want to stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.

Also, my sex drive is basically zero. We are still intimate, but it's not as fun! Hahaha. I'm ready for the days when I want to be with my husband again.

Anyway. Shot number 6. Is it the last?

I have my 6th shot scheduled for the Monday after Valentine's (haha, oh good!).. Then two weeks after that, I'll go in for a consultation about the next steps.

Options: Stop Lupron and have a couple of cycles to gauge my pain, and flow and all the lovely things that come with a cycle. Am I more normal? Is the pain and flow better? Will probably need at least 2 or 3 cycles to figure it out. And maybe get pregnant?!!  If I can manage having "normal" periods, then I can be off the drug and try to get pregnant.

This is as long as stopping the Lupron doesn't make me lose progress in the fight against my endometriosis. But, the only way to tell if it's worked, is to figure out how things feel. Pain during sex? Not any more. That's the only thing I know for sure right now. I think that's a good sign.

If I cycle a few months and my periods are still horrendous, I may go back on the Lupron and do another 6 months. That would make me finished with the six around November or December. And then try to get pregnant again.

If my doctor STRONGLY suggests that I stay on the Lupron without cycling at all, then I will be done with another 6 months in August. Then try to get pregnant.

I may have finally come to grips with the fact that maybe having another child just isn't in God's plan for me. It's very very hard sometimes. And then I also wonder if the Lupron has killed the emotions that make me happy, because I find myself hoping less, and feeling very indifferent towards almost everything. I feel pretty sad and lonely a lot of the time, but I'm not sure if it's just from the Lupron, or a number of other things. My marriage isn't absolutely spectacular, but who's really is?! ;)

I guess what I'm also trying to say is that I'm done with the "What about me's."
What about me? What ABOUT me?! Did God put me on this earth for me? Or Him? You know what the "what about me's" do? They steal your joy. You can no longer be happy for others, when you say "what about me." It takes your eyes off the prize, friends! God's plan for us is perfect and for his glory. Not ours.

One thing that resonated with me over this weekend is that Jesus is what is supposed to be the most lovely, glorious and valued in our life. And he goes through our hurts and joys and every day with us. Is not having a baby going to make Jesus less lovely, less glorious and less valuable to me?

It shouldn't.

Is MY PLAN to have another child (and it not being God's plan) more lovely, more glorious and more valuable to me than what God has for me?! Am I in love with my plans more than I am in love with God?

That's only going to lead to heartbreak and disappointment. And I want to be done with those things.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures
forevermore."

Life on Lupron: Month 2

My second month on Lupron has come and gone. I am already due for my next shot next week.

I did have a check up about a week after my second shot. Doc asked me how I felt and how the Lupron was treating me. I told him about the side effects I'd been dealing with, and he seemed pleased with how well I was doing. He told me that I could be on this drug for a year, to make sure it starved every single bit of the endometriosis out. I told him that I wasnt sure I could do it an entire year, and also, I'm not so fond of the bigger side effects it can have. The add-back drug isnt especially heart friendly, and the Lupron could diminish my bone density enough to the point of not gaining it back. I told him I'd rather finish the 6 months, and try to conceive for a few months. See how "normal" my cycles would be. Then maybe do another 6 months. He mentioned putting me on whatever drug it is that forces multiple ovulations, and asked me how I'd like to have triplets. HA! When I had my ultrasound last year, I was already polyovulating (one on each ovary) so... maybe I dont want to try that, yikes! Then he mentioned giving me the 3-month Lupron shot, and I refused. I told him that I was doing so well on the single dose, I didnt want to mess anything up with that even more concentrated dose!

I also told him about the weird scar tissue clot thing I passed and he said it sounded like it was part of the uterine lining that I shed, which is good, because it means my lining isnt building up. Which is what we want!

The second month was easier in most ways. I hardly had any hot flashes, my exhaustion was limited to a few days, and I slept a whole lot better. I dont have any cramps anymore, and I'm on day 27 of my cycle month calendar and think I should skip spotting entirely this time. I hope!!

The only issues I've had have been a few days where I just didnt feel like myself. And I've been a little bit forgetful.

Two days after the second shot (it was a Saturday and Sunday, my whole weekend off) I was a complete mess. My emotions betrayed me. I was fine. I wasnt fine. "Yes, I'm FINE!" I'd say through an outburst of tears. What. The. Heck. I spent my entire weekend pissed off. For no reason. It SUCKED. That is not me. That was a Lupron Monster.

There have only been a few other days this month where I've felt irrational, and not myself. I do not PMS all that bad (maybe a day or so) and even then, it's not like what I have been feeling on these monster days.

It was so bad, in fact, that when I told Matt that I was getting my next shot on Tuesday, he said "Shit. Two days before Thanksgiving?!"

That made me feel awesome.

Other than all of that, I'm sort of feeling indifferent to the idea of having more children. It's still some days I want one, some days I really dont.  I guess I'm just waiting to see where God is taking me. How is he using all of this? What is he stripping from me? What am I gaining from this? What will be the end result?

I dont know. But HE does. And it's better than anything I can imagine.

Life on Lupron: weeks 3-4

I get my second shot tomorrow.

So far, so good in my opinion.

Here are what weeks three and four have brought.

Week 3: hot flashes have disappeared! Also, I am sleeping much better (not sweaty either!) and am not unusually tired during the day any more. Ahhh, back to normal, and it feels great.

The only unsavory thing week three brought was cramping, and a bit of spotting. The cramping was terrible, and I'd wonder if I was going to start my period at any time. I usually associate that sort of cramping with an insanely heave flow, so you can probably imagine the panic I felt. But it was just a bit of spotting.

Around the end of week three and into week four, I started to bleed a little more. It seemed like I'd wake up, pretty much in the middle of the night, or morning to more than spotting. So, I thought I'd finally started some kind of period. It was pretty light, until one day when I cramped pretty bad and passed some tissue. It wasnt like anything I'd ever seen before, so I think it was probably some sort of scar tissue, or fibroid or something? I'll have to ask the doctor about it. So, I'd bleed lightly during the early morning hours and be fine by lunch. I've been dealing with that for most of this week, off and on.

But, honestly, I'm great with that. I was really worried about what sort of cycle I was going to experience, if I had one at all. This just shows me that my hormones are being suppressed the way they should be, and that hopefully next month I wont experience any sort of cycle at all.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how all of this is going. I really hope that it works well as far as starving the endometriosis out, and that my end results are good! Even if it means just being endometriosis and pain free for awhile, that's better than how things were before.

Five more months!

Life on Lupron: weeks 1-2

Two weeks ago, I received my first dose of the Lupron Depot shot. I had been super scared about it (go Google Lupron and read all of the horror stories, if you're so inclined) and also didnt want a huge needle injected in my tushy! It was technically "the hip."  Yeah, it's close enough to cheek for me! I was super scared about how much it would hurt. It hardly hurt at all, and I was super glad of it.

I was also given a bottle of "Add-Back" (norethindrone acetate) which is supposed to help ease the side effects, and comes with it's own lovely warnings. But I'm pretty healthy and shouldnt have any issues with it at all.

Anyway, Lupron Depot spikes your estrogen levels and then slowly bottoms out. I was told that I probably wouldnt notice any side effects for a couple of weeks. If you read the reviews online about it, ladies have said they felt them right away, or overnight, or within a few days, and that they were HORRIBLE!!!!

I thought I was smooth sailing. Week one only equaled mild cramping. For a whole week, all day, yes, but I imagine I could compare them to an easy day on your period, for "normal" people.

Almost right at the one week point, I experienced my first hot flash. Not really a flash. More like a flush. Imagine having a fever, or blushing really hard for about 5 minutes straight. My ears and the back of my neck were burning.

It happened at work, out of the blue. I looked over at my coworker and I guess the look on my face prompted her to ask me what was wrong. I asked if  my ears were red, they felt like they were burning. She said "Oh yeah! They sure are!" And we kind of giggled together.

Now I experience these flushes quite often. I just feel like I'm running a fever sometimes, but it's not accompanied by any rapid pulse, anxiety or sweating or anything really bothersome. Sometimes my ears just feel like they're on fire. It isnt awful, or really even all that annoying. I'm not gasping for breath or wanting to tear my clothes off, or sticking my face in the freezer, or any of those other things ladies in menopause usually complain about hot flashes feeling like.

Second symptom: night sweats. I honestly couldnt tell at first if these were for real, or if it was because the seasons are changing, and I've had to add more blankets to the bed lately. It's like my body just cant regulate it's temperature. I wake up all sweaty and gross and freezing at the same time. I toss and turn and cant really seem to sleep through the night anymore. I dont ever feel super well-rested anymore, which is probably what contributes to the last symptom...

Fatigue. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed every morning. I'm a little fuzzier for longer at work, and yawn my way through my shift. Then when I get home, I feel like a slug. It even physically feels like my arms and legs are heavier than usual. This is a close second to bothersome, after not sleeping well. And I just generally feel exhausted all the stinking time. But, I still manage to get through my day, but have had to add a nap in the afternoon almost every day after work. It makes getting through chores and bible studying really hard, as my motivation has gone to crap.

Other than these things, I've been just fine. My cramps have basically disappeared (I'm still worried about what my next period will be like) and I havent had any insane mood swings, thank GOD!!! I did feel a little eeeeeekkkk!!! this afternoon, but I believe it was just based on circumstance. I broke my food processor and that pissed me off, and had crammed more things into my afternoon than I wanted to (and no nap) and I'm cranky. No crying or bitching for no reason, which is what I was really worried about. I dont wanna be a psycho!

All in all, not so bad! It's my theory that Lupron horror stories stem from getting the shot in a 3 or 6 month dose, and it makes ladies all whacked out. So, as long as this is all I'm experiencing, I'll just ask if we can keep dosing me a month at a time!!

All is not lost

I believe in my last post, I was telling you all of the doubts I had about wanting a baby. Some days, those feelings are still there.

Here is what has happened over the last month or so.

I was scheduled for my normal yearly exam at the end of August. I went in, reviewed all of my symptoms, and was advised that we go ahead with the laparoscopy to see exactly what we were dealing with. It was really my only chance at having a solid diagnosis. My exam was on August 26th. They scheduled my surgery the week after that. I was expecting a long wait, but that was not the case. In fact, if I hadn't taken any ibuprofen the week of my exam, they would have gotten me in the same week! Anyhow, I freaked out a bit because it was sooner than I was expecting, but I was also glad. And I have to mention here how amazing my job is. They got me covered for the whole week after, so I could recover, and I never felt guilt tripped or like I was being a burden on them. I love SMB.

So Friday, September 5th, I went in for surgery. We were there for 10 hours. Apparently someone before me was having complications, and it pushed my procedure back about 5 hours.

Anyway, I get out and finally coherent, and Matt tells me the diagnosis. Severe endometriosis. They couldnt get it all without my undergoing major surgery, with about a week or so in the hospital.

All I heard was, "Severe" and "couldnt get it all."  My hope tanked. I went through a few days of a kind of depression. I was so heartbroken. My heart was broken, my body was broken. I felt like I was in the dark, and just wallowed in it. Bursting into tears with no warning. I hated my body. I had an expensive procedure done, and STILL HAD NO HOPE of it doing enough to help me conceive.

My follow-up appointment was 10 days after surgery. The doctor showed me pictures and explained exactly what was going on inside me. My case of endometriosis went so long with out any sort of treatment, that it had basically glued some of my organs together. My colon is stuck to my uterus, along with both ovaries. It causes very painful symptoms, and the only way to "unstick" them, would be to do a major surgery, and probably remove part of my colon. I suppose if I ever have to get a hysterectomy, they will probably have to do that then.

I asked him what endometriosis was, and how it's caused. It's basically like a cancer. They dont understand what causes it, but it acts the same way. It builds up on your organs, and sets up it's own blood supply, and feeds itself while it spreads over reproductive and surrounding organs. It can cause organs to adhere to each other. Which is what happened to me.

I broke down in the stupid office. Still feelings of hopelessness.

Then he mentioned Lupron Depot. This shot shuts down a woman's hormones, basically putting her into a menopausal state. What happens then, is your body stops producing the hormones that feed endometriosis, and the endometriosis starves. The treatment lasts 6 months, with at least half of the treatment period-free! This shot also causes some lovely side effects: vaginal dryness, mood swings, depression, hot flashes, no sex drive, and bone loss. Dont those sound great?! Well you can look forward to that too, when you're about 50 years old.

Matt and I decided that this would be my best chance. Trials show that women who did the shot after laparoscopy went (endometriosis) symptom free for more than 5 years. And! I could get pregnant after 6 months of treatment. Seems to us to be a win. Or, at least some sort of good news.

So that's where I am. I have been really nervous about the symptoms of the Lupron shot, but I'm sucking it up, and had gone to get my first dose today. I also get to take a pill that helps counter all of the side effects. Of course, everyone's bodies are different, so I didnt get a very good explaination of how mine will react. So it's a wait-and-see. And it sort of scares me.

The only only thing that has ever kept me out of the dark completely in this so far, is knowing that God has made me this way, set this path before me, and will get me through it. With an amazing husband, with really good friends, a great church, and a lovely work place, He has given me so much, and He will see me through this.

Floating

It feels like it's been months since I've blogged. Also, I'm feeling a little sentimental right now, so this should be interesting.

Let's get right to it:

I'm not sure if I want another baby anymore.

Honestly, it feels like it would be too much work.  I'll be at least well into 35 before I have a second baby.

I called and made an appointment with my lady doctor. He's booked until the end of August. It would not be fair to me, or Matt, if I didn't give the laparoscopy a shot before we gave up. But at the same time... we could save a LOT of money if we decided to forgo the whole thing, and I just get an ablation instead.

My brain says: Jade will be graduated in 3 years. We jokingly told her that WE will be moving out when she turns 18. And Jade is such a free spirit, I very well expect her to be off and running as soon as she can leave us. We, all 3 of us, still have our lives ahead of us, to do whatever we want!

If we have a baby now, it would be starting all over again. I would be in my 50's before new baby would be 18. Wow.

Do I have the patience? I would quit my job. Home school. New baby would be my new life.

What do I really want? I want freedom. And I want a baby. I want both. Matt says the same thing.

I see mommas with babies and they cry, and they whine and they fuss. Sure, they're cute. God made them that way so you dont kill them within a couple of months of birthing. ;)  They're a lot of work. My first three weeks with Jade was terrible. I was 19 years old, didnt know a thing, and no one was there to help me. Of course, my support system is a lot stronger now than it was then. But I'm so selfish. Do I want to give everything up for another baby?

Yes.

And no.

I dont know, friends. I just dont right now.