Negative

That's right. Negative. And I didn't even have to use a test to find out.

My temperature dropped yesterday and I started my period this morning.

(lots of bad words)

And I was almost late to work.

(more bad words)

I suppose I'm glad that my $65 wasn't wasted on the Lysteda. I took the first dose at lunch, will take one before bed, and hopefully the dose in the morning tomorrow will get a hold on things before they get too nasty.

This sucks. I hate it. I wish having my period didn't seem so violent. It's a disgusting bloody reminder that my body is broken and I. Hate. It.

You know, I didn't really expect this to work on the first try. It's not like I'm doing anything special, other than paying better attention to my body. I'm not spending thousands of dollars on hormonal drugs or procedures that increase my chances to conceive. But it's frustrating because I can and probably will down the road, spend thousands of dollars trying to figure out what's wrong with me. And then maybe drugs or procedures. And if those fail, well... these feelings will probably be a whole lot worse. Then they can just take these stupid organs out of me and I'll be done with it.

"But, you're not alone, Sarah. There are women out there going through the same thing."

Yeah, I know. But that doesn't mean I still don't feel alone. If I've ever said that to one of you, I'm sorry and am not discounting the fact that you feel the same way. And anyone who's said it to me. It's okay. I appreciate it, I really do. It's just a very hard feeling to overcome sometimes. Just cry with me, pray for me.

And maybe give me a hug. :)

the waiting game.

I'm late.

Only a few days. And I'm not surprised, either. The last time I quit taking the pill a few months ago (I was allergic to the brand) I didnt have a period for 6 weeks. I've been experiencing horrible mood swings this week also. My poor husband. It's not my fault. My body is all outta whack. I've been waking up to cramps, no bleeding. I feel super RAWR! for no apparent reason. I've been battling a headache for the last 2 days (hopefully not catching a cold, everyone around me has been sick -my husband has strep throat and my training lady at the beginning of this week had a cold). I am a little stressed out with job training and weird hours this week. I come home a little bit frazzled, but I dont think it's from work. Just the general disarray my house has been in since I've worked a full week. I dont like feeling like I cant control my emotions. Hormones suck.

I've got my Lysteda prescription filled. Ouch. There goes $65. Thinking about looking into some alternative herbal supplements or medicines to take instead. Still doing research. Luckily, I have a sister in law who works at a local whole foods store. She's gonna look into some things for me.

So here I am. Waiting for the day I start my period.

Or not?

Forgot to get some pregnancy tests the last time I was at the dollar store. Dollar store pregnancy tests?  Um, yeah. They work just as good, and you're only out a buck!

I hate waiting. I hate the anxiety and anticipation. I hate feeling that in a few days I'll be disappointed and in tears.

I'm trying really hard to trust that this is just what God has for me at the moment. His power is made perfect in my weakness.

End of Cycle 1 (almost)

Firstly, I need to figure out if I can blog from my phone, and maybe then post pictures from that device. Hmm...

I am almost at the end of my first recorded cycle. Not entirely sure how accurate my readings have been. My schedule was upset when I started a new job last week. I dont get up as early, but as long as I start taking my temp at the same time every day, the readings should be fairly accurate.

My temperature dipped twice during my follicular phase. The first time on day 12 of my cycle, which is close to normal. The second time was day 19, where I also experienced other symptoms of ovulation. I usually have experienced breast tenderness in the past. I believe I ovulated the second dip because of that, and while I was on the pill, I didnt ovulate, so I didnt experience breast tenderness at all. I've also payed better attention to my cervical mucus, which was also in a wetter state than the first dip in temp was. (Sorry if this is TMI)... So my chart estimates my actual ovulation date to be on the 22nd day of my cycle, which is way off of normal, and only leaves 6-8 days before my period starts. Of course, I'd sort of expect my ovulation date to be late or weird, since this is a month after stopping the pill. I'd be lucky if I even ovulated at all this month.

Since the tracker estimates my ovulation to be so late in the cycle, it pushed my period ETA back a week as well. I expect to start this Tuesday, despite whatever it thinks. I've gotta get my Lysteda scrip taken care of so that I'll have it ready for any day.

Unless I'm pregnant. Not getting my hopes up.

. (period)

My fertility tracker has been calculating my cycle for 11 days now. I've noticed that when I  have to get up at 5am for work, and have not slept well, my temp spikes. Which can freak the tracker out, because drops in temp are a sign of ovulation. I'm still getting used to trying to read this thing. Thankfully, I have a friend who's done this before and she's been a great help.

I am super anxious about my next period. I'm worried about what it will be like. No pill = bad periods again? This is what I am afraid of. And, what's worse is that I'm starting a new job next week. I will no longer be in control of my environment like I have been. No more freedom to run to the bathroom without anyone noticing.

Unless you've ever experienced this sort of heavy bleeding, this may be hard to understand. I've had plenty of people tell me to "get over it, it's just a period." or, "I cant believe you called in, you're using your period as an excuse."

No.

I have had to call in because of this. I have had to miss out on gatherings, activities, church, you name it. It's embarrassing. Inconvenient! It makes me SO mad! I do have a prescription for Lysteda. It's supposed to help heavy periods. But it's super expensive. Around $100 for a 5 day dose. It may be my only hope at this point.

I hate how this rules over me. Sometimes I'd like them to just take it all out of me so I can be done with it.

emotion

Just one more blue pill. And then it's time to ride the roller coaster of emotions.

I've been keeping track of my basal body temp for the last 5 days. I take it around 5 am every morning, since that's when I usually get up for work. I hope that I'm getting okay readings. I tend to toss and turn a few hours before my alarm goes off, and 5 am stinks when I have the day off. At least I get to go back to sleep on those days.

I'm feeling a little baby-crazy lately. So many friends are pregnant, or have new babies. A ton of the ladies at church seem to have just had babies, or are due soon. My sister in law has a 7 month old that I get to babysit on occasion. He's so adorable, and I love him. It makes me excited and anxious about getting pregnant myself. But I have a tendency to let my feelings rule over me, and when I'm disappointed, my world takes a dive and my emotions crash and burn.

I am so happy and mostly excited for the ladies I know that have babies, or are expecting. But I have to confess that I'm also jealous, hurt, and sad. Then I feel guilty for those feelings. Those feelings keep me from sharing joy with friends. Keep me from asking how their pregnancies are, or new babies are doing. They keep me from enjoying baby showers and holding newborns. When I do force myself to participate in those things, I feel like a huge fake.

So many of my years have been spent, month after month, hoping to God that I'd finally be pregnant, only to wake up to cramps and well, you know. And not only that, but having periods so intense and painful, so absolutely heavy some days I thought I'd die of blood loss... didn't seem very fair to me. Not only was I not getting pregnant, but I also had to endure days of extreme discomfort and disgusting symptoms, to the point of staying home and missing out on friends or work. I felt like I was being punished for something, but I know that is a lie.

There were ladies in the Bible, who prayed to God and he heard them. He healed them of their barrenness. What about me, God? Am I wanting this for the wrong reasons? Am I not trusting You enough? Why am I broken...  Open my eyes and heal my heart.

The Beginning

Infertility. It's such a... bad word. One with no hope in it for most of those who hear it. It literally makes me feel empty. Kinda broken. And the brokenness isnt just bodily, but spiritually and mentally as well.

Infertility is something I have dealt with for a long time, but something my husband and I just recently decided to confront. Why did we wait so long? Mostly because we hated to face the fact that one of us was broken. And that's scary. Also, it can take a lot of money depending on how serious you want to get. I suppose we're going to finally have options to be serious.

I have suffered from horrible periods for a very long time. Last year, after repeating myself to my then girly doctor, I switched over to one who would listen to me describe my symptoms. It is believed that I may have endometriosis. I got some ultrasounds done, and a biopsy, both seemed pretty inconclusive. He said the only way to be sure, was to perform a laparoscopy. I was scheduled last July to get one, but found out 2 days beforehand, that my insurance wouldnt cover the procedure and could cost us up to $25,000. Really... am I buying them a new laser or something? Needless to say, we cancelled. It was a very hard day.

My doctor had given us some pamphlets on endometriosis and infertility, and we decided I'd go ahead and start the pill, because it can shrink endometriosis and you dont bleed as much, and your periods are much shorter. All of the things I hadnt experienced in a very long time. Talk about night and day. My next period lasted 3 days, and I barely bled at all. I was amazed. I felt great. I thought about never stopping taking the pill.

But I really want another child.

I have an almost 15 year old daughter. From a previous marriage. Matt loves her very much. I want him to experience for himself what it's like, though. To watch his wife get fat and round. To see a baby peanut on an ultrasound monitor. To feel the baby moving. The exhilaration of labor, and the beautiful birth. And hold his very own baby in his arms, and know that we made that little person together.

So, here I am. Getting serious about trying. Hard. And needing to share my experience with whoever. I know there are lots of women out there doing the same thing. We need each other. Even if we are hiding behind the internet. Blog therapy.

I've got another week left in my pill pack. Then I'll get my period out of the way, and it's on!

I bought myself a basal thermometer, and will start monitoring my temp every morning, starting tomorrow. I even found a nifty cycle tracker app for my phone. Thank God for technology.

There it is. I think trying ourselves for 6 months or so. If no results that way, maybe think about other steps.

I asked Matt how crazy he wanted to get with trying. He said, "I could get pretty crazy."