Rejoice

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say, rejoice."

This was my daily scripture on the morning I woke up ready to take a pregnancy test, this Tuesday.
It had been 11 days since the last possible date of ovulation, and I went out on Monday night and bought an early response test.

So, my alarm clock goes off and I look on my phone for a few minutes to wake up.

"Rejoice in the Lord always..."

I cried. I knew in my heart that I was going to take that test, and it would be negative.

So I go and take the test, and try not to watch the progress filling up the window, for 3 whole minutes. 3 very long minutes.

I was right.

I hate that stupid pink line.

Then I text my BFF a sad face, and proceed to break down in gut wrenching heart ache.

"...again I say, rejoice."

Of course the last thing I can think of, is rejoicing. Tuesday was a hard day. Work went by, I cried on my way home, sobbed through my lunch. And sat there on the couch, numb... and waiting for my husband to come home, just so I could cry on his shoulder.

I know God is good, and he has something good for me in all of this. That is the truth that I am clinging to.

Last night I started spotting. Today I'm bleeding lightly. As long as I can get through Easter service in the morning, I dont care what happens after.

In the morning, I will celebrate my risen Lord. Even though the sadness will be in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I will celebrate the Man who died for me, who beat death, and rose again. The one who knows my pain, my heart, and is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation.

And I will rejoice.

Turn to face the strange ch ch changes.

I feel like it's been awhile, friends. I may need to pause and re-read what my last entry was about....

Ah, yes. I was waiting.

Well, waiting can be a funny thing, as it never really seems to go away, does it? You're always waiting. Just what you're waiting for, changes.

These last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster. My body has slowing been dumping the rest of the hormones, and I've had some pretty awful mood swings.

Such as: Matt and I almost never fight. Whatever he does to upset me, is usually me upsetting myself over silly things. But, when we do fight, it always leaves me alone somewhere, bawling, and wondering if it's over. That's super scary, and is really hard on a girl's nerves!! This last time, he came back home after being gone for about 15 minutes, and said "I just drove around the block, I had nowhere else to go." And started talking to me as if nothing had happened. Which made me cry even harder. He asked me what it was that I wanted. Out of life, marriage, all of it. Was I done? he asked me. Was I afraid of our church having recently closed it's doors, and that we wouldnt find a new home? Was I afraid of baby stuff?

I noticed then, with myself, that when I am on the verge of something changing inside of me, a heart change, that the fiber of my being will fight it until I'm raw and all I can do are hear the whispers of the Liar. And I break. It wrecks me, down to my soul to the point of where I want to give up everything.

I heard "He doesnt appreciate you. He doesnt care, he doesnt love you. You work, you come home to work some more. He takes advantage of it. You are alone."

So I asked for a little bit of help. And a friend mentioned that reading "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller. I borrowed the book from another friend. And I read this:

"...Christians have learned that the worship of God with the whole heart in the assurance of his love through the work of Jesus Christ is the thing their souls were meant to 'run on'.... If we look to our spouses to fill up our tanks in a way that only God can do, we are demanding an impossibility."

And this;

"But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation that we could ever imagine. It means we dont need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we dont mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward."

And

"...if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anything he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm."

Convicted.

So that's something I have to work on, and probably apologize to my husband for.

There's a little glimpse of the deeper me. :)

On with the baby stuff!

On Sunday, I woke up with nowhere to go. Okay, not really nowhere, but we had decided to take the weekend off before attending new churches. It was weird, and sort of sad, and sort of exciting. Newness abounds before me. :)

Anyway, that night I went to take a shower and noticed that my nipples were sore. A sure and true sign of ovulation for me. I got excited, and told my BFF. But I also wasnt so sure if I was. So I waited until the next day to see if I was still sore.

Yep.

Then I went and blabbed it to some friends. I think I'm ovulating!! Wooohoo!!

Other things include a bit of cramping and, well, my sex drive is back.

The things is, though... I've been sore all week. Which isnt usually the case. About 3 days or so is normal for me (was normal?) and I'm still sore. Like, it hurts to put on a bra and I have to stand with my back to the water in the shower. Haha.

Well if this keeps up for another week, I'm taking a pregnancy test. Otherwise, I've at least got a timeline to work with! In about 2 weeks (well, closer to 10 days now) I should start my period. The last few days of March and first week of April should be the time.

All I can think is man, maybe I'm making up for the last 7 months. What if I have multiple eggs in there?! Aaaah! My BFF is fervently praying that I have twin girls. Har har, you! ;) I think I could do twins.

Bring It On!

I'm excited, scared, anxious. More waiting. More leaning on the Lord.

Nothing is happening...

I intended to start temping again a few weeks ago.

That hasnt happened.

I determined that my sleep is too messed up to get an accurate reading. I am not sure if it's my hormones trying to balance out again, the drug making it's way out of my system, or what, but I have been awfully hot at night lately. And I still cant sleep. I'm good up until about 3 am. Then, I wake up almost every hour. After 5 am, I'm just essentially waiting for my alarm clock to go off at 5:45, and trying hard to squeeze any amount of sleeping in before it does.

You need at least 3 hours of solid sleep to get a good basal reading. So, unless I want to start temping myself at 3 am, trying to do it as soon as my alarm clock goes off seems to be pointless.

That's out the window. For now.

Now I'm just waiting. I've had a few days where I've felt cramps and thought I could start my period any day.

Then this week, all of the girls at work were all on theirs at the same time! I was hoping and hoping that my body would catch on as well. Still nothing.

I havent had any symptoms that would lead me to believe that I've ovulated yet, either.

So here I am. Waiting. For something. Anything!

I find myself in a season of waiting on the Lord.  And a LOT of trusting in His future for me. I have been able to cling to the hope of his future. And joyfully wait on it. Yes, joyfully. Because, friends, anything God has planned for us, is infinitely better than anything we can imagine. And if I think my plans are good, well then... God's are absolutely something amazing. That brings about an overwhelming feeling of hope in me. And all I can do is smile, and be encouraged.

Even though I often wonder, "How long O God?"  I am joyfully anticipating His plans. :)

Early Plan of Attack

In just over a week, I will be taking my basal temp every morning when I wake up. Again. I'm not sure what I will see right away, as I'm not sure if I will ovulate before I have my first period or not. I don't expect to see any regularity for at least 2-3 months.

Also, I'm not looking forward to having to buy feminine products again. Oh the joys. I have not had a period since October. 105 days, to be exact. That has been wonderful!

Anyway, I've had my eyes on a menstrual cup. I used to use a Diva Cup once upon a time, and I really liked it most of the time. It couldn't handle my insane "bleed till you're almost dead" days, but for the rest, it did well. And I really liked that it didn't cause any extra waste in the trash, I wasn't putting bleached and treated cotton up the girly bits. It didn't dry me out or cause any irritation. And they aren't more messy or gross than tampons.  So, I'm thinking about trying out a FemmyCycle. They make a model for ladies with low cervix, which I totally have, yay me. I'm betting it'll be more comfortable and work better for me than the Diva Cup did.

Then, I'll need to stock up on pregnancy tests. I think I should get myself mentally prepared for a good few months where I wont get a positive test, or maybe I never will, but I wont worry about that just yet. Then again, maybe I'll get pregnant right away!

It's just... been awhile since I've had to actually deal with the hope and possibility, and then deal with the heartbreak of a failed attempt. I don't know how long I should actually give myself. 6 months? If we don't conceive in 6 months, will we still try? Or will we give up for good? This is it, friends. If this doesn't work, we aren't going any further. We wont try any other treatments, or drugs. I'm not going to put myself through crazy fertility diets, or creams or hormone therapies.

The other day, we ate dinner at a friend's house. They've got a 5 month old baby girl, who is absolutely adorable. She was in a great mood, and let me play with and hold her for a good while. I got smiles and sighs and "hi's" and singing. Baby snuggles and drool and kisses. She looked at me, and I looked at her, and it was good.

The entire next day, I was on the verge of tears, wanting a baby so bad. I want this! I wanted to text Matt and just tell him how excited I was that maybe this laparoscopy and Lupron stuff and everything the past 6 months actually worked, and maybe we'll get pregnant and have a baby.

I'm so excited and nervous I could burst!

Symptom Follow-up

I called my doctor on Monday and they scheduled me to see him this afternoon.

I told him about my heart palpitations and rash. He didn't seem to have much to say about it. He was concerned, of course, but I dont think that those are side effects that he's seen much of in his experience with this drug, if at all. He wasn't too sure if they were from the Lupron or not. We did discuss how the Generess Fe and Add-Back pill both have norethindrone in them, but had I been allergic to that ingredient, my rash would be on-going and a lot worse, considering it's a much higher dose in the add back pill than in the Generess Fe.

He told me that women typically have one or two really hard months during their treatments. I told him that this one so far has been the hardest. I told him about how I've been hurting, grouchy, not sleeping.

But the good things have been the  no pain during sex, and no pain during bowel movements. If you remember, the endometriosis had adhered my colon to my uterus, so no pain in that case is pretty darn amazing.

With those two good things, he decided that I've had enough. That round 6 was not necessary.

So now what?

I cancelled my next injection appointment. I will keep taking the remainder of my add-back, and start taking prenatal vitamins again. The Lupron will work itself out in two weeks (or a month from my last injection, rather) and I should resume my cycle as normal.

He also said that we could start trying to get pregnant right away. I may wait another 2 weeks, just because knowing this drug is still in my system at least that long, and then possibly getting pregnant while on it makes me nervous. He told me that there have been no issues with women who have gotten pregnant while on Lupron. But I'd rather not risk it.

I will admit, I am anxious. I am relieved that we are done with Lupron. But I am nervous about what is going to happen next.

Did it work?

What will my periods be like?

Will I get pregnant?

It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at once! Aaaaahhh!!

I'm so glad I'm done.

I'm done!!!

Yay! I'll get to sleep again! My mood will improve! Hopefully I will recover from whatever damage it may have done to my bone density, and my joints will recover and feel better.

I look forward to feeling better.

I hope it worked.

Hormone Hell

I'm having a rough day.

Nothing in particular is making it bad. I'm just in a bad mood.

I've been in a bad mood for weeks. (Months?)

I'm irritable, and grumpy. I havent been sleeping well. I cant sleep through the night ever these days, and these headaches! I wake up, work, and go to bed with a headache.

Everything annoys me. Even just my thoughts annoy me. I find myself fighting with the "What Ifs" and things that happened in the past, or havent happened at all and I upset myself.

I look around the house an notice socks on the floor, or general lack of picking up after one's self and I find it extremely irritating. Like everyone's inconveniencing me on purpose.

I find myself generally annoyed with my husband and daughter, for no good reason.

I look at myself in the mirror and notice how dumpy I seem to look. My body isnt in shape. I've steadily gained about 8 pounds since starting Lupron. That may not seem like a lot, but I dont want to go buy new pants because I'm taking a stupid drug. And am supposed to be done with it soon.

I get home from work, eat lunch, clean house etc... I have great ideas to do some yoga, or some sort of exercise, but then sit around feeling like a slug. Sometimes, the yoga wins. A lot of the time, it doesnt. I feel disappointed in myself.

All of these things contribute to my unhappiness. I just cant seem to get ahead of it. If ever I've been "depressed," it's been the last couple of months, and I KNOW that it's just the Lupron. I know that this isnt who I really am, and I know that I'm almost done with it. I know, in my heart, that this has been for a good reason. But I still hate my body for this. I hate my brokenness..

I hate feeling this way. I hate it for my family. It's not their fault I'm having a string of bad days. And I'm short with them, and frustrated and it's dumb. I hate it.

:(

Not Fun.

I'm barely two weeks into my 5th month, and I have to say: It has been hard!

The Thursday after my shot, I woke up with heart palpitations. I think that's what it was. I could feel my heart beating irregularly in the pulse in my wrists. My chest was absolutely pounding. The muscles were spasming. I felt panicky, which lead me to feel light headed and exhausted, like I'd been running forever. Nothing brought relief. Laying down was even worse. It was all I could think about. Deep breathing, relaxing, anything else I knew to do, didnt work. Not even taking medicines (I had some leftover meds from my laparoscopy) thinking that maybe it would help with inflammation.

Nothing worked. It lasted for 2 days straight.

Now, I know you're probably wondering why I didnt go to the E.R. or whatever. This isnt the first time this has happened to me. The first time was a long time ago. I was probably 24ish. I went to the ER, and they did chest x-rays and EKGs and they all came back normal. They told me I was having panic attacks. They prescribed Vicodin and an antihistamine.  Also, I felt totally normal except for the pounding in my chest. Nothing hurt, there wasnt any tightness, or shortness of breath. I just decided to wait it out. I've also got a friend who had something similar happen to her after taking a certain birth control pill, which we both ended up being allergic to. I assumed that this was brought on by the sudden surge of hormones from the latest Lupron shot.

Another annoying symptom this time has been the headaches, for days. It's almost been constant for the 12 days since the shot. And I've felt irritable and unable to concentrate. And! I am feeling my bones. I feel old. My elbows and wrists the most.

And the last, most recent symptom: one of these two drugs has made me break out in a rash on my chest. It is super itchy, and nothing is helping relieve it. I've used tea tree oil, lavender, purification, olive leaf, nothing. No soap, coconut oil, almond oil. I'm having flashbacks to that above mentioned allergic reaction to the birth control I took over a year ago. I am paranoid about feeling like this is spreading to my neck, behind my ears... That rash I had last year was Everywhere. It was absolutely miserable.

Matt's mad at me for not having called the doctor yet. I will on Monday. At the very least, they'll let me stop taking the add-back pill for awhile to see if that helps. I cant do anything but let the Lupron itself run it's course, and if he thinks that it's bad enough, I may  not have to do the 6th shot.

This has furthered our decision to stop the treatment after the 6th month.

I keep thinking I can stick it out for one more month. I'm ready to be done.