One more to go!

Yesterday I got shot number 5!! That means next month is the last one!

Hopefully...

So, my holiday season was wonderful.  Both November and December shots happened right before their respective holidays. And I didn't have any adverse symptoms whatsoever. Thank the Lord! At least, nothing I couldn't keep under control.

I still do get to be short, or impatient. Times when I can feel my blood pressure rise, and want to stamp my feet and throw a tantrum.

Also, my sex drive is basically zero. We are still intimate, but it's not as fun! Hahaha. I'm ready for the days when I want to be with my husband again.

Anyway. Shot number 6. Is it the last?

I have my 6th shot scheduled for the Monday after Valentine's (haha, oh good!).. Then two weeks after that, I'll go in for a consultation about the next steps.

Options: Stop Lupron and have a couple of cycles to gauge my pain, and flow and all the lovely things that come with a cycle. Am I more normal? Is the pain and flow better? Will probably need at least 2 or 3 cycles to figure it out. And maybe get pregnant?!!  If I can manage having "normal" periods, then I can be off the drug and try to get pregnant.

This is as long as stopping the Lupron doesn't make me lose progress in the fight against my endometriosis. But, the only way to tell if it's worked, is to figure out how things feel. Pain during sex? Not any more. That's the only thing I know for sure right now. I think that's a good sign.

If I cycle a few months and my periods are still horrendous, I may go back on the Lupron and do another 6 months. That would make me finished with the six around November or December. And then try to get pregnant again.

If my doctor STRONGLY suggests that I stay on the Lupron without cycling at all, then I will be done with another 6 months in August. Then try to get pregnant.

I may have finally come to grips with the fact that maybe having another child just isn't in God's plan for me. It's very very hard sometimes. And then I also wonder if the Lupron has killed the emotions that make me happy, because I find myself hoping less, and feeling very indifferent towards almost everything. I feel pretty sad and lonely a lot of the time, but I'm not sure if it's just from the Lupron, or a number of other things. My marriage isn't absolutely spectacular, but who's really is?! ;)

I guess what I'm also trying to say is that I'm done with the "What about me's."
What about me? What ABOUT me?! Did God put me on this earth for me? Or Him? You know what the "what about me's" do? They steal your joy. You can no longer be happy for others, when you say "what about me." It takes your eyes off the prize, friends! God's plan for us is perfect and for his glory. Not ours.

One thing that resonated with me over this weekend is that Jesus is what is supposed to be the most lovely, glorious and valued in our life. And he goes through our hurts and joys and every day with us. Is not having a baby going to make Jesus less lovely, less glorious and less valuable to me?

It shouldn't.

Is MY PLAN to have another child (and it not being God's plan) more lovely, more glorious and more valuable to me than what God has for me?! Am I in love with my plans more than I am in love with God?

That's only going to lead to heartbreak and disappointment. And I want to be done with those things.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures
forevermore."

Life on Lupron: Month 2

My second month on Lupron has come and gone. I am already due for my next shot next week.

I did have a check up about a week after my second shot. Doc asked me how I felt and how the Lupron was treating me. I told him about the side effects I'd been dealing with, and he seemed pleased with how well I was doing. He told me that I could be on this drug for a year, to make sure it starved every single bit of the endometriosis out. I told him that I wasnt sure I could do it an entire year, and also, I'm not so fond of the bigger side effects it can have. The add-back drug isnt especially heart friendly, and the Lupron could diminish my bone density enough to the point of not gaining it back. I told him I'd rather finish the 6 months, and try to conceive for a few months. See how "normal" my cycles would be. Then maybe do another 6 months. He mentioned putting me on whatever drug it is that forces multiple ovulations, and asked me how I'd like to have triplets. HA! When I had my ultrasound last year, I was already polyovulating (one on each ovary) so... maybe I dont want to try that, yikes! Then he mentioned giving me the 3-month Lupron shot, and I refused. I told him that I was doing so well on the single dose, I didnt want to mess anything up with that even more concentrated dose!

I also told him about the weird scar tissue clot thing I passed and he said it sounded like it was part of the uterine lining that I shed, which is good, because it means my lining isnt building up. Which is what we want!

The second month was easier in most ways. I hardly had any hot flashes, my exhaustion was limited to a few days, and I slept a whole lot better. I dont have any cramps anymore, and I'm on day 27 of my cycle month calendar and think I should skip spotting entirely this time. I hope!!

The only issues I've had have been a few days where I just didnt feel like myself. And I've been a little bit forgetful.

Two days after the second shot (it was a Saturday and Sunday, my whole weekend off) I was a complete mess. My emotions betrayed me. I was fine. I wasnt fine. "Yes, I'm FINE!" I'd say through an outburst of tears. What. The. Heck. I spent my entire weekend pissed off. For no reason. It SUCKED. That is not me. That was a Lupron Monster.

There have only been a few other days this month where I've felt irrational, and not myself. I do not PMS all that bad (maybe a day or so) and even then, it's not like what I have been feeling on these monster days.

It was so bad, in fact, that when I told Matt that I was getting my next shot on Tuesday, he said "Shit. Two days before Thanksgiving?!"

That made me feel awesome.

Other than all of that, I'm sort of feeling indifferent to the idea of having more children. It's still some days I want one, some days I really dont.  I guess I'm just waiting to see where God is taking me. How is he using all of this? What is he stripping from me? What am I gaining from this? What will be the end result?

I dont know. But HE does. And it's better than anything I can imagine.

Life on Lupron: weeks 3-4

I get my second shot tomorrow.

So far, so good in my opinion.

Here are what weeks three and four have brought.

Week 3: hot flashes have disappeared! Also, I am sleeping much better (not sweaty either!) and am not unusually tired during the day any more. Ahhh, back to normal, and it feels great.

The only unsavory thing week three brought was cramping, and a bit of spotting. The cramping was terrible, and I'd wonder if I was going to start my period at any time. I usually associate that sort of cramping with an insanely heave flow, so you can probably imagine the panic I felt. But it was just a bit of spotting.

Around the end of week three and into week four, I started to bleed a little more. It seemed like I'd wake up, pretty much in the middle of the night, or morning to more than spotting. So, I thought I'd finally started some kind of period. It was pretty light, until one day when I cramped pretty bad and passed some tissue. It wasnt like anything I'd ever seen before, so I think it was probably some sort of scar tissue, or fibroid or something? I'll have to ask the doctor about it. So, I'd bleed lightly during the early morning hours and be fine by lunch. I've been dealing with that for most of this week, off and on.

But, honestly, I'm great with that. I was really worried about what sort of cycle I was going to experience, if I had one at all. This just shows me that my hormones are being suppressed the way they should be, and that hopefully next month I wont experience any sort of cycle at all.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how all of this is going. I really hope that it works well as far as starving the endometriosis out, and that my end results are good! Even if it means just being endometriosis and pain free for awhile, that's better than how things were before.

Five more months!

Life on Lupron: weeks 1-2

Two weeks ago, I received my first dose of the Lupron Depot shot. I had been super scared about it (go Google Lupron and read all of the horror stories, if you're so inclined) and also didnt want a huge needle injected in my tushy! It was technically "the hip."  Yeah, it's close enough to cheek for me! I was super scared about how much it would hurt. It hardly hurt at all, and I was super glad of it.

I was also given a bottle of "Add-Back" (norethindrone acetate) which is supposed to help ease the side effects, and comes with it's own lovely warnings. But I'm pretty healthy and shouldnt have any issues with it at all.

Anyway, Lupron Depot spikes your estrogen levels and then slowly bottoms out. I was told that I probably wouldnt notice any side effects for a couple of weeks. If you read the reviews online about it, ladies have said they felt them right away, or overnight, or within a few days, and that they were HORRIBLE!!!!

I thought I was smooth sailing. Week one only equaled mild cramping. For a whole week, all day, yes, but I imagine I could compare them to an easy day on your period, for "normal" people.

Almost right at the one week point, I experienced my first hot flash. Not really a flash. More like a flush. Imagine having a fever, or blushing really hard for about 5 minutes straight. My ears and the back of my neck were burning.

It happened at work, out of the blue. I looked over at my coworker and I guess the look on my face prompted her to ask me what was wrong. I asked if  my ears were red, they felt like they were burning. She said "Oh yeah! They sure are!" And we kind of giggled together.

Now I experience these flushes quite often. I just feel like I'm running a fever sometimes, but it's not accompanied by any rapid pulse, anxiety or sweating or anything really bothersome. Sometimes my ears just feel like they're on fire. It isnt awful, or really even all that annoying. I'm not gasping for breath or wanting to tear my clothes off, or sticking my face in the freezer, or any of those other things ladies in menopause usually complain about hot flashes feeling like.

Second symptom: night sweats. I honestly couldnt tell at first if these were for real, or if it was because the seasons are changing, and I've had to add more blankets to the bed lately. It's like my body just cant regulate it's temperature. I wake up all sweaty and gross and freezing at the same time. I toss and turn and cant really seem to sleep through the night anymore. I dont ever feel super well-rested anymore, which is probably what contributes to the last symptom...

Fatigue. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed every morning. I'm a little fuzzier for longer at work, and yawn my way through my shift. Then when I get home, I feel like a slug. It even physically feels like my arms and legs are heavier than usual. This is a close second to bothersome, after not sleeping well. And I just generally feel exhausted all the stinking time. But, I still manage to get through my day, but have had to add a nap in the afternoon almost every day after work. It makes getting through chores and bible studying really hard, as my motivation has gone to crap.

Other than these things, I've been just fine. My cramps have basically disappeared (I'm still worried about what my next period will be like) and I havent had any insane mood swings, thank GOD!!! I did feel a little eeeeeekkkk!!! this afternoon, but I believe it was just based on circumstance. I broke my food processor and that pissed me off, and had crammed more things into my afternoon than I wanted to (and no nap) and I'm cranky. No crying or bitching for no reason, which is what I was really worried about. I dont wanna be a psycho!

All in all, not so bad! It's my theory that Lupron horror stories stem from getting the shot in a 3 or 6 month dose, and it makes ladies all whacked out. So, as long as this is all I'm experiencing, I'll just ask if we can keep dosing me a month at a time!!

All is not lost

I believe in my last post, I was telling you all of the doubts I had about wanting a baby. Some days, those feelings are still there.

Here is what has happened over the last month or so.

I was scheduled for my normal yearly exam at the end of August. I went in, reviewed all of my symptoms, and was advised that we go ahead with the laparoscopy to see exactly what we were dealing with. It was really my only chance at having a solid diagnosis. My exam was on August 26th. They scheduled my surgery the week after that. I was expecting a long wait, but that was not the case. In fact, if I hadn't taken any ibuprofen the week of my exam, they would have gotten me in the same week! Anyhow, I freaked out a bit because it was sooner than I was expecting, but I was also glad. And I have to mention here how amazing my job is. They got me covered for the whole week after, so I could recover, and I never felt guilt tripped or like I was being a burden on them. I love SMB.

So Friday, September 5th, I went in for surgery. We were there for 10 hours. Apparently someone before me was having complications, and it pushed my procedure back about 5 hours.

Anyway, I get out and finally coherent, and Matt tells me the diagnosis. Severe endometriosis. They couldnt get it all without my undergoing major surgery, with about a week or so in the hospital.

All I heard was, "Severe" and "couldnt get it all."  My hope tanked. I went through a few days of a kind of depression. I was so heartbroken. My heart was broken, my body was broken. I felt like I was in the dark, and just wallowed in it. Bursting into tears with no warning. I hated my body. I had an expensive procedure done, and STILL HAD NO HOPE of it doing enough to help me conceive.

My follow-up appointment was 10 days after surgery. The doctor showed me pictures and explained exactly what was going on inside me. My case of endometriosis went so long with out any sort of treatment, that it had basically glued some of my organs together. My colon is stuck to my uterus, along with both ovaries. It causes very painful symptoms, and the only way to "unstick" them, would be to do a major surgery, and probably remove part of my colon. I suppose if I ever have to get a hysterectomy, they will probably have to do that then.

I asked him what endometriosis was, and how it's caused. It's basically like a cancer. They dont understand what causes it, but it acts the same way. It builds up on your organs, and sets up it's own blood supply, and feeds itself while it spreads over reproductive and surrounding organs. It can cause organs to adhere to each other. Which is what happened to me.

I broke down in the stupid office. Still feelings of hopelessness.

Then he mentioned Lupron Depot. This shot shuts down a woman's hormones, basically putting her into a menopausal state. What happens then, is your body stops producing the hormones that feed endometriosis, and the endometriosis starves. The treatment lasts 6 months, with at least half of the treatment period-free! This shot also causes some lovely side effects: vaginal dryness, mood swings, depression, hot flashes, no sex drive, and bone loss. Dont those sound great?! Well you can look forward to that too, when you're about 50 years old.

Matt and I decided that this would be my best chance. Trials show that women who did the shot after laparoscopy went (endometriosis) symptom free for more than 5 years. And! I could get pregnant after 6 months of treatment. Seems to us to be a win. Or, at least some sort of good news.

So that's where I am. I have been really nervous about the symptoms of the Lupron shot, but I'm sucking it up, and had gone to get my first dose today. I also get to take a pill that helps counter all of the side effects. Of course, everyone's bodies are different, so I didnt get a very good explaination of how mine will react. So it's a wait-and-see. And it sort of scares me.

The only only thing that has ever kept me out of the dark completely in this so far, is knowing that God has made me this way, set this path before me, and will get me through it. With an amazing husband, with really good friends, a great church, and a lovely work place, He has given me so much, and He will see me through this.

Floating

It feels like it's been months since I've blogged. Also, I'm feeling a little sentimental right now, so this should be interesting.

Let's get right to it:

I'm not sure if I want another baby anymore.

Honestly, it feels like it would be too much work.  I'll be at least well into 35 before I have a second baby.

I called and made an appointment with my lady doctor. He's booked until the end of August. It would not be fair to me, or Matt, if I didn't give the laparoscopy a shot before we gave up. But at the same time... we could save a LOT of money if we decided to forgo the whole thing, and I just get an ablation instead.

My brain says: Jade will be graduated in 3 years. We jokingly told her that WE will be moving out when she turns 18. And Jade is such a free spirit, I very well expect her to be off and running as soon as she can leave us. We, all 3 of us, still have our lives ahead of us, to do whatever we want!

If we have a baby now, it would be starting all over again. I would be in my 50's before new baby would be 18. Wow.

Do I have the patience? I would quit my job. Home school. New baby would be my new life.

What do I really want? I want freedom. And I want a baby. I want both. Matt says the same thing.

I see mommas with babies and they cry, and they whine and they fuss. Sure, they're cute. God made them that way so you dont kill them within a couple of months of birthing. ;)  They're a lot of work. My first three weeks with Jade was terrible. I was 19 years old, didnt know a thing, and no one was there to help me. Of course, my support system is a lot stronger now than it was then. But I'm so selfish. Do I want to give everything up for another baby?

Yes.

And no.

I dont know, friends. I just dont right now.

It's Quiet

I know I havent written much lately. Nothing is really going on. Last month was a bust. Matt was sick the week I ovulated, which made intimacy pretty much non-existent. My period this time, even on medicine, was worse than it has been the past couple of months. I still havent made my appointment yet, but now I'll have that to add to the list of things I should talk to him about.

For the most part, I'm feeling just sort of "meh" all around. Except maybe at my job, which I love.

But just when I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps, a wonderful friend will chime in with something like this, and I feel so much better. There are no coincidences, friends. I'll leave you with this...

Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till next steps made plain will be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master is pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.
Waiting! Expectantly waiting!
Perhaps it may be today
The Master will quickly open
The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late:
Since He knows that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.

J. Danson Smith